Softly, softly, jihadists are lured into peace - World - smh.com.au

Now this sounds like a promising alternative. I hope we hear more about it in the future.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

Navy may force Papuan boats back: ministers - National - smh.com.au

If you believe, like me, that Australia taking this sort of action is unjust, let Alexander Downer know. Send him an email at A.Downer.MP@aph.gov.au indicating your position.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/nationa...

Iraqi opposition against Jaafari grows

It seems that as far as the US is concerned, democracy should only go so far, and no further.

I can't believe the US people continue to finance this debacle that has achieved none of its original stated aims and is costing trillions of dollars a year.

Read more at news.ft.com/cms/s/0f72c...

Doubt at the Opera House

Adam had to see a play for drama so Donna and I decided to make the most of it by seeing something significant. This sounded good and all we had read about it was good but it exceeded my expectations completely.

Only four actors, but very powerfully performed. The scenes were simple but effective. I won't spoil it by going into detail but it was tense, hilarious, and disturbing. All of the characterisations were really well done and it was easy to take on the conflicts going on in their minds.

Read more at www.sydneytheatre.com.a...

Australia wins Winter gold - Sport - smh.com.au

How wierd is this thing called Nationalism. Yesterday, noone in Australia had ever heard of Dale Begg-Smith. He wasn't born in Australia, and being an freestyle mogul champion, he probably spends most of his life outside Australia. Yet, we all well up with pride and congratulate ourselves on having our first winter gold medal. Does anyone else find this funny?

Read more at www.smh.com.au/articles...

Not sold on the hard cell solution - Opinion - smh.com.au

Another great article from Ross Gittins. You don't have to be a bleeding heart liberal to consider other options than the simple solutions of the redneck agenda.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

Alleged syndicate organiser arrested - World - smh.com.au

Lucky for him that the Federal Police afforded him the courtesy of arresting him in Australia. I wonder why they didn't do the same for the Bali Nine?

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

Gay Rights

I feel the need to state my view on Gay rights. This is prompted by this article on Webdiary

As a matter of social justice, Gay people are entitled to the same equality before the law that are available to all. It is without question, unjust that property rights, inheritance rights, and legal recognition of commited relationships are not available to them.

I really struggle to understand how any fair minded person, christian or not can be opposed to that.As far as custody rights, once again, I believe that a person's sexuality should not be relevant to their right to custody. Similarly, on the matter of adoption of a partner's children, I believe that homosexuals should have the same rights as all others.In the matter of government subsidy of fertility programs, I find it a little more difficult to support. Especially in the case where the only need for the fertility program is an unwillingness to try the natural method. Here, my objection is really just a matter of priorities. I don't think, when the health budget is so tight, that this is a justified expense. I have a similar view for hetrosexual couples.For couples wanting to adopt children, although I agree that the ideal situation is for parents to be a hetrosexual couple in a stable relationship with no mental or physical health problems, this is an ideal that is rarely possible. I have no doubt that children can bloom in a healthy homosexual family as well as in any other. However, I would hope that the child's best interest is always the prime motivation, rather than any political or social agenda.

Holy words come at a hefty price - World - smh.com.au

Perhaps they have been misquoted, but it seems to me like another sign of how far Power has taken these men from the Love of God.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

The Bartlett Diaries » West Papua - asylum seekers and lessons from our history

A good discussion by Andrew Bartlett of the issues around the Papuan refugees.

Read more at www.andrewbartlett.com/...

Asylum seekers boat found - National - smh.com.au

How will the Talk Show Jocks and the other commentators react to this? Clearly we have a moral duty to grant these people asylum, assuming their story is true. I look forward to seeing how the DIMIA reacts.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Guard forces disabled duo to crawl - National - smh.com.au

This story doesn't add up. Obviously, the security guard was an idiot, but if these guys needed wheelchairs to get around, why didn't they have their own? After all, when they got out of the car somewhere else, how were they going to move away from the car.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Ruddock canvasses ID card review - National - smh.com.au

I have very mixed feelings about this. I can see the positives for this. If there is a reliable identifier that business can use to verify someone's identity, it will dramatically reduce fraud, however, recording that ID no against a record will make it infinitely easier to match data from a variety of sources. It scares me that this is happening under a government that has shown that it is not really interested in getting consensus.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Marriage: same sex, same difference - Opinion - smh.com.au

This well thought out article makes you wonder why anyone who believes in liberal democracy would have the slightest hesitation to allow gay marriages. I definitely do not want to live in a theocracy, so why am I not more actively supporting the right of homosexuals to marriage (by whatever name).

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

I spent the week with my sister Nicola in Crescent Head. We had a great time with their kids. I have to say though that it was good to get home to the relative peace and quiet of our place.

It is interesting that I am feeling a little inhibited about what I write after Nicola telling me (referring to my speculation that noone reads this) that she does read it.

It is one thing writing thinking that noone is reading, though that seems strange given this technically public forum.

Nic's house was totally chaotic and I don't think I could stand it for too long, but, despite that, the kids seem to have a great time and are all great kids.

Gay cowboy film blackout up north - Film - Entertainment - smh.com.au

This is really going to confront a whole lot of people. I hope it is very successful so that people are forced to think through this issue.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/film/br...

Street Stories - 24/12/2005: Locked In With Friends

I listened to this story on Podcast yesterday and it really hit home with what we could have been dealing with after Lauren's incident. This guy has been confined to a bed for eight years now without any ability to communicate or move. What is surprising is that his friends continue to keep up regular contact with him. Very moving story, especially after what we have been through.

Read more at www.abc.net.au/rn/histo...

For heaven's sake - Books - Entertainment - smh.com.au

Great article. I agree with so much of what she has to say. I bet there are lots of conservatives squirming over this.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/books/f...

Just put it up: Iemma - National - smh.com.au

This is starting to look like jingoistic McCarthyism. Do we all have to prove we are Australian by plastering every building with an Aussie flag? It is starting to be a bit llike those American movies where people randomly recite the Pledge Of Allegience and criticise others for not joining in.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty (I
think that God as Father is limiting. For me, Lifeblood, or Life force rings
truer.),

maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.
(I don’t know if God created the earth or it has always been. It doesn’t matter
to me either way. What I do believe is that God is at the centre of all
creation.)

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,

the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father,

God from God, light from light, true God from true God,

begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. (Is
Jesus God? I think that Jesus is God in the sense that we are all part of the
Unity of God. I think that Jesus’ self awareness or God-awareness is what makes
him God.)

For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven,

by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary and became truly
human. (Jesus has shown by his example a way to God)

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;

he suffered, died and was buried.

On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures;

he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,

and his kingdom will have no end. (Now this one, I have no
clue about. I guess I will just have to wait and see.)

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,

who proceeds from the Father and the Son. Who with the Father and the Son is
worshiped and glorified.

Who has spoken through the prophets. (For me, this part of
God is the part that I see most clearly. The Spirit of God as the Life
force/heartbeat is what I relate most to)

We believe in one holy Catholic and apostolic Church. (This
is one that I really can’t agree with. Even though Catholic means universal, I
can’t see any universality in the Catholic Church. The exclusion of homosexuals
and the judgemental attitude that seems prevalent in both the church hierarchy
and far too many Catholics makes me feel uncomfortable to claim it as mine.)

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. (I
believe that there is nothing to forgive. Perhaps that is because of Jesus’
Death and resurrection, or perhaps not. I believe that our separation from God
is an illusion that we create for ourselves. There is nothing to forgive,
because there is no separation.)

We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
(I believe that Eternal life is now. We do not have to
wait for death to join in the life of God, it is already available to us if we
only accept.)

Amen.

Gangsters' hold on Sydney is safe - Opinion - smh.com.au

I seldom agree with Miranda Devine, and I don't agree with all of this, but I think we really need to bring issues like this out into the open. Government should be made to answer this and we need more honesty along with tolerance.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

Baby's sex test offers new hope - National - smh.com.au

This is one of those signs of the times that scares me. It is just not the thought that people will easily abort foetuses that have abnormalities, but rather the message that it is sending to people with a disability, that they are disposable. It might be starting with sex and genetic disorders, but as the testing becomes more sophisticated, surely the opportunity to select on hair colour, and so many other characteristics will occur.

Where will it end?

Woman, 37, indicted for wedding boy, 15 - World - smh.com.au
It is interesting that society, and me, find it less 'evil' when the male is the child than when the female is the child. I don't know if women feel the same, but I suspect most men think that they would love to have been in this position as teenagers.

I am very aware of the hypocrisy of this and that there is no difference in the ability of a boy or a girl to make a valid decision for themselves, but at some level, it seems worse for a girl.

Chiding for Catholics who stray - World - smh.com.au Another example of how out of touch and irrelevant the vatican is to the lives of it's people and to the life with God. I wonder what they are referring to when they mention profane music in church?


Things like this make me wonder how long the church has left.

I am amazed at how I find my self searching out companionship/solace relief from my aloneness from the internet. I know that I get a lot of information, and stimulating input and reflective ideas from the internet, but too often during each day I go in search of diversion. I am trying to understand what it is that I am seeking. When I notice myself doing this it reminds me that there is nothing that I need that I don't already have.

Push to ban headscarves divisive: Dems - National - smh.com.au

Noone who had read my blog would be surprised to hear that I am opposed to this move to ban the use of headscarves. For a start, while I agree that moslems are using the head scarf as a badge of 'defiance', I don't agree that they necessary mean that they are supporting terror. What I think they are saying is that in spite of the negative pressure exerted by their society, they are still proudly moslem. It is interesting though that it is the women that must bear the burden of this 'defiance'. I wonder why moslem men are not required to show some visual symbol of their religion?

Another interesting effect of this proposal is that moslem girls are far more likely to experience Australian life and become integrated into Australian society if they are attending public schools, yet by following this course of action, we are forcing these girls into the limited thinking that would be provided by attending a religious school.

Although I feel that I could do more to make the world a better place, it fills me with joy to think that my efforts and those of others who petitioned the Australian Government to act for this man have saved his life. Aussie wins clemency from Vietnam death sentence - World - smh.com.au

Too often, we say, "But what can one person do" but this is another illustration that one person can make a difference!

I just checked my cousin's blog The Adventures of a Little Fish in a Big Sea and was disappointed to find that he hadn't blogged since April, when it occurred to me that it had been quite a while since I had blogged too. I have no idea whether anyone reads my blog because I have never had a comment added (sorry Louanne, I forgot that you did once). I suppose when we blog we are all hoping that someone out there cares enough to stop by and read. But then again, I read lots of blogs and almost never leave any comments. I wonder, if this need to be noticed/loved is something we all feel, but that we tend not to reach out, how ironic it is. Is it really that simple, that all we need to do is to reach out instead of waiting for others to reach out to us?

Ruddock accused of raid leak - National - smh.com.au The 'security' forces are running rough shod over our civil liberties and what does everyone do? Watch Big Brother I guess. How long will it be before people realise what is being done in their name?

Sex assault strike force: have you seen this man? - National - smh.com.au What on earth is a seven year old doing on the streets on his own at 9:30pm!!!

I spent Monday and Tuesday in Brisbane. I am amazed at how easily I can deceive myself that flying interstate and staying at fancy hotels makes me a great person. Qantas are running a competition at the moment to win a Lexus. You dont have to do anything except fly to be in the running for the prize. I read that the prize was worth $150K and thought of course I would sell the car and pay off the mortgage. Then I saw the car and started thinking how great I would look in it. We truly are children.

It could have been five weeks ago - World - smh.com.au And this story is a fantastic illustration of why Australia should not be in Iraq except in a peace keeping role. We clearly do not understand the local culture and are not doing enough to learn. In a country that was 'liberated' over two years ago, and has had 'democratic' elections, it is deplorable that military forces would behave like this. And for australia to be involved is so far from what we believe of ourselves!

I have always found Juan Cole's observations to be informative and accurate. Here is what he says about the future of peace for Iraq.Informed Comment

Against his will, the transfusion that saved a boy - National - smh.com.au: "determination"

This is a difficult situation! I think I would have found as the judge did. Even though he is at an age of reason, a child would find it very difficult to look beyond the grounding that he had received. Even as an adult, I find it difficult to know whether I am thinking rationally, or deciding based on programming and rationalising my justification. I think for adults, we just have to accept that they have the right to make a decision. However, I say all of this without the experience of having a religious view that is so violently different than the mainstream. I suppose some of my views are, but I can't think which of them is at risk of being opposed in the courts.

A matter of where life is cheaper - Opinion - www.smh.com.au

A great article. It really makes you think. I have been very alarmed by the obvious xenophobia and racism inherent in most of the reporting of the drug cases in Indonesia. I find it particularly ironic that people are so critical of the Indonesionan (Napoloeonic) legal system where the onus is on the accused to prove innocence. At the time of the trial of Amrozi and the others accused of the Bali bombing, the media and talk back were 'waxing lyrical' about how much better the Indonesian system was for getting a quick result.

Australia's sexiest woman - People - www.smh.com.au

How fascinating the role that 'fame' has in whether people are considered 'sexy'. Some of these women are not particularly outstanding, it is merely the fact of their fame that defines them as 'sexy'. To me that confirms that the largest sex organ is the brain. We are all deluding ourselves constantly and can create happiness for ourselves at anytime, merely by imagining it.

Although I do believe this, yet I still manage to create unhappiness for myself too often. Why do I do it. And also, if I do create happiness for myself with my imagination, is this the same as putting my head in the sand or can I create 'happiness' and still act as an agent of change?

Ratzinger a strict defender of orthodoxy - World - www.smh.com.au

Is this a great day for the church? My gut says no. I don't see Ratzinger as inclusive in any way. I think he is far more interested in following the rules than in celebrating the love of God. My prayer is that I am wrong.

Families of alleged traffickers Bali bound - World - www.smh.com.au

This can't be good for Schapelle Corby. I'm sure that the general public in Indonesia would think that Australia if full of drug dealers. Except for the possibility of corruption, she probably is better off without a jury trial. Hopefully the Judges are not swayed by public opinion.

This weekend was the first quiet weekend we have had in over a month. Donna and I went out to dinner on Saturday night, but that is about all. It was nice for a change.

Crowds angry as police close queues - World - www.smh.com.au

How ironic that people caught up in religious fervour could lash out at the police. To me this seems a long way from God! God must surely be shaking her head just like me.

Family losing its race against time - World - www.smh.com.au: "Terri Schiavo"

This really is tragic. I hate the way it becomes entertainment for the masses though.

I also hate catching myself feeling some sort of 'joy' (not the right word really) that 'my side is winning'. I don't have a side and can relate to the tragedy on all sides, but I still find a part of myself feeling this way.

These things really expose the ugly side of humanity.

Da Vinci Code's 'lies' - Books - www.smh.com.au

I guess this is hardly a detailed report but it seems to leave a lot of questions unanswered. It is interesting that the Cardinal suggests that Jesus having a child with Mary Magdalene amounts to defamation!!! This says more about the mind of the Cardinal than it does about Jesus.

I have no idea whether the story in the gnostic gospels is correct or not. I can't see how anyone living today can know the truth. I have to question why the church is so violently opposed to the possibility that the alternate story might be true.

What a day we had yesterday. We started the day at 8:30 with a trip down to Homebush. Lauren was swimming in the National Open Championships and Adam was running in the State Athletics Championships. They were scheduled to be competing about 15 minutes apart. Luckily, it is only a five minute walk between venues.

Lauren realised half way there that she had left her swimming costume at home. Well, the stress levels of everyone in the car went up a few degrees. Luckily, the Speedo shop at the pool was open and we were able to buy a pair of cossies (full price of course). Lauren swam a (post heart attack) PB which was great. We didnt have time to see her afterwards as we had to race off to the track to see Adam compete in the 2km Steeple Chase. We made it comfortably, and watched him do a PB as well. We went back and picked up Lauren and then drove home. Half way home, Lauren realised that she had lost her (new) cossies. We couldn't just turn around, as we were rushing home to drive Karl to work.

I dropped Donna off and returned to Homebush with Lauren. Luckily, we were able to find the cossies and returned home to recover.

Adam had to go back to Homebush for another event later in the day, and we also had to drop in for Donna's brother-in-law's birthday celebration. Donna went to the athletics and I took the girls to the party. We couldn't stay long though, because Donna and I had tickets to see Niel Diamond in concert at ... Homebush. He was on at the Superdome.

We arrived at Homebush in plenty of time. We allowed ourselves two hours for a leisurely dinner and stroll to the venue. We got free parking and managed to get a table at The Brewery. We bought a bottle of wine (no queue) and sat down to have a glass before getting a meal at the bistro. We hadn't really noticed, but a whole lot of people arrived after us. I got up to line up for our dinner. I knew there might be a problem when I saw the queue at the bar. I went over to the bistro queue and decided it didnt seem too long. After fifteen minutes and virtually no movement, the kebab stand out on the street started looking good. So here we were, sitting down with our bottle of Chardonnay, eating kebab's out of a bag dressed up to go to a concert. Not what we had in mind!!

The concert was great and overall it was a good day.

Mouse will have brain of human - Unusual Tales - www.smh.com.au

Now this scares me. I shudder at the thought of what could be done with this technology if it succeeds. Where would the line be drawn if an animal, exploited by farming (or whatever) had a human brain? Very scarey!

Today, I went through the trauma that every parent faces eventually. Karl's first driving lesson.

It turned out quite well, but I was certainly glad when it finished. I'm sure it will get better every lesson.

Habib: more revelations 'may have to come out' - Anti-Terror Watch - www.smh.com.au

It is almost impossible to know the truth of this case, but I am stunned how easily the media, government and many in the general population have been happy to jump on the bandwagon and vilify this man with no evidence. I read somewhere else that this is the new McCarthyism. Accuse someone of being sympathetic to Al Quaeda and all of their rights can be waived. It seems like we are happily jumping back fifty years with our civil rights practices.

I am reminded of Martin Niemöller's poem about Nazi Germany. We have to protect the rights of all people.

First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Louanne visited Nicola on the weekend and here she is proudly showing off Sienna and Gianna 

I am amazed sometimes at how things work out. I have a suspicion that the saying "There are no accidents" is true, but being a sceptic, I have trouble believing.

Last weekend I was at a party when a discussion turned to home schooling. I mentioned a friend of mine who is homeschooling his daughter and that he had investigated lots of computer software packages. The woman I was talking to expressed interest, so I offered to find out some details. He replied immediately and invited me to join a discussion group with several other internet friends who used to meet regularly but had lost touch over the past 18 months. It seems the group had only just reformed. I had only spoken to him once in 18 months, yet here I was contacting him at just the time when they were starting the group again.

Sometimes I wonder if these things might not be happening all the time if only I was looking properly.

Boy, 7, thrashed for not eating cheese - National - www.smh.com.au

I don't know how we change attitudes like this. This is far more extreme than anything I experienced as a child, but this sort of thinking was a product of a past era. I certainly remember being forced (emotionally rather than physically) to eat things I didnt want to eat. Although there have been many changes for the better, we still have a lot of room to change more.

The Center for Global Development | 2004 Ranking The Rich

What a great measuring stick for the impact of developed countries on developing countries. It does a great job of explainging the issues too.

I read that all is as it should be and that I Iack for nothing. Yet, in my gut I feel an emptiness, a longing, for contact. I hear and understand that ultimately, we are all alone and that is our natural state. So why do I have this unfulfilled longing for physical and intellectual union with others. I am told, and sometimes know, that there is no ‘Other’ and that all is one, yet so often it is impossible to believe this. If this truly is the Way, why do I seem so lonely? And yet, when I stop and breathe, and ask myself the question, “What is missing from this moment?” I have to answer nothing. All is as it is.

It is amazing how centring a simple breathing meditation can be. And yet, in the business of life, I can often go far too long between meditations.

Today, I was reading about a woman who organized a plane load of drugs to be sent to Aceh. I hear this and think how little I have really done. Sure we gave money, and we will probably give more, but I could have done more. Actually, it is not too late, yet what am I going to do?

I seem to live with the illusion that I am powerless, that I am bound to Donna and family, and that is my reason why I can’t do so many things. It is very convenient!

My help with the Tsunami

I was thinking that the only thing I could really offer was money, then it occurred to me that perhaps my interpretation skills might be useful. Then it occurred to me that if I could be helpful I should offer myself. I even thought that my work would contribute some of my time perhaps matching my holiday time. I sent an email offering my services, not really expecting anything, but of course, I started immediately daydreaming myself into hero status. I am not sure whether I would really be going for them or for me. I guess, if someone thought I could help, I would go regardless.

Anyway, it doesn't look as though my offer is being taken up. Oh well!

New Year's Day
I don't normally place a lot of importance on New Year's Day. As a day for change, I dont think it is any more significant than any other. Lots of people have been saying, "I hope next year is better than this year for you". In many ways though, I think of last year as being one of the most blessed of my life. Firstly, Lauren miraculously recovered from her heart attack. We discovered how many people cared enough about us to offer support. We met many people going through similar trauma and our hearts were touched by them. I have had a new perspective on life. It is far easier now for me to focus on Now. Whenever I look at Lauren's trachea scar I am reminded how close we came to losing her and that I should not let a day go by without living it to the full.

Donna and I went to the movies on Saturday night and saw The Notebook It is a beautiful movie. The scenery, in South Carolina was fantastic, and the 40's setting was beautiful. I can really recommend it.

One interesting thing was that it dealt with dementia. I have had two grandparents who had dementia as they grew older and Donna often expresses her fear, as I get vague, that I might suffer from it too. It was tragic to see the husband of the women with dementia and how much it hurt him to live with it.

Very touching movie though.

I was sent a link to this when I signed an internet petition about the injustice of mandatory detention. Refugeeguarantee.com.au.

It bothers me that Australia has come so far from the days in the seventies when we welcomed boat people. The fact that an issue like this barely rates a mention, makes me despair for the heart of the nation.

Perspective

I am finding myself surprised at both ends of the spectrum at the
results of my experiments in awareness. It is amazing how many of the
things that I do I do out of unconscious habit. And also, how even
knowing that, I continue to do it. Is this the nature of humans or
not? I guess it would have to be not, because clearly somepeople are
able to maintain awareness and are able to be extremely effective.
Even in non-awareness, the difference between someone who does
something (anything) well and someone who does it poorly is enormous.
If one person can do it well, surely anyone can. How much of my life
do I spend asleep. Missing opportunities to communicate with my
family and others I meet, being distracted from what is important.
Letting negative thoughts, foods, excesses of any type invade my mind
or my body. It is funny, even this message, I really started typing
just so that I could add something to this blog. How important is it
really? I find it a useful way of channeling my thoughts but does it
do me (or anyone else) any good? Who knows. I doubt that anyone else
ever reads it. If that is true, then it must be for me, I think I do
get something out of this because it focuses my thoughts and forces me
to be more disciplined (only a little bit). However, I think I
unconsciously hope that I am going to touch someone by my writings and
reach out to their heart. But I don't think I really want to do that
to make anyone else feel good, only to massage my own ego.
Now I find myself reviewing this to decide whether it is worth
publishing, (and trying to find where to make a new paragraph, because
I have been told that this is too long for a paragraph).

Love, God, Self, Connection

I have noticed that recently I have been quite disturbed. I find
myself searching the eyes of women that I casually come across in my
daily travels for some form of intimacy. When I make eye contact and
get a smile, I find myself feeling good. Perhaps I read it as a sign
that I am still attractive, perhaps I briefly fantasise about some
imagined future with this person who (being a fantasy) is perfect and
will provide me with the fulfillment I seek.

I remember the strategy in Core Transformations of asking myself, what
is the higher purpose that I am striving for when I ....?

In this case, it is Oneness with that other person. It is funny that
I am only looking for 'Oneness' with women who are attractive to me.
You would think that if it really was Oneness that I was seeking,
then, being a spiritual thing, physical appearance would not matter.
Another way of looking at it might be to say that I am experiencing
Lust.

If it is Lust, then what is the Higher purpose that I am seeking?

I suppose it would be Love of Self and pampering Self.

What is the Higher purpose that I achieve, by pampering myself?

Feeling/experiencing/knowing the sense of being loved.

What is the Higher purpose that I achieve, by experiencing being loved?

Knowing that I am acceptable.

Who to?

To myself, to God, to others I meet.

I am not sure why, but it seems that I am still affected by Lauren's illness. It seems that Donna and I have been more significantly impacted by this than has Lauren herself. We both seem unwilling to do anything more than what we need to do to keep the family going. This blog is an example of that. I have hardly posted since Lauren got out of hospital.

Starting to get back on top of things

Lauren had a good week last week. She went to school all week, and although she was tired by the end of the day, she made it through each day. She is really anxious about tomorrow when she goes to get her defib checked out again. This was when she was put back under to get the leads adjusted. I think she will be much more relaxed once she has done that.

we are starting to make progress again with our painting and with the work as Treasurer of Smithfield. All such mundane things, but it just seemed impossible to do any of them until this last week.

I'm still feeling very flat. It seems strange to me that over two months after Lauren's incident, I am still disoriented and not back in a routine. I suppose you would call it post traumatic stress. I think that Donna is also feeling down at the moment. We had a week holiday last week and that was good, but I think we needed far more than that.

Abortion

A chance, perhaps, to heal long after a mother's traumatic choice - Opinion - www.smh.com.au

This is something that I have long suspected. It is not very well received for a man to express something like this when talking to women who are pro-choice. It was very touching to read this account. Sadly though, I think that right to lifers often show just as little understanding and love as the pro-choice people. This is another example of the error of black and white thinking.

What is my allotted work?

The disciple was a Jew. "What good work shall I do to be acceptable to God?"

"How should I know?" said the Master. ""Your Bible says that Abraham practiced hospitality and God was with him. Elias loved to pray and God was with him. David ruled a kingdom and God was with him too."

"Is there some way I can find my own allotted work?"

"Yes. Search for the deepest inclination of your heart and follow it.?"

Anthony de Mello, SJ


To me, this has seemed like the biggest problem of my life. The feeling that I have something important to do that I haven't yet started and not knowing what it is.

The deepest inclination of my heart seems to be Community. Not joining a community and having to follow rules, but community that respects the rights and individuality of each but allows each to lean on the others. Simplicity, intellectual stiulation and openness are characteristics of the type of community that I long for.Books that inspire me in that direction include The Diffferent Drum by M Scott Peck and Small is Beautiful by E F Schumacher

Settling back to reality

I can't believe how hard it is to settle back into life. I find
myself thinking constantly about how close we are at any moment to
death.

I don't think I am being morbid. Actually, I think this is something
we should always be aware of. I am not fearful of death, but
realising how close death might be tends to sharpen my focus on what
is important in life.

When I think about it, those of us who are living our lives blissfully
ignorant of how short our lives could be are really the ones who are
not living with reality.

Lauren is home now. Hooray!

Hooray! Lauren has had the ICD test and everything went well. They
had to induce an arythmia and hope that the ICD would kick in.
Everything worked correctly thank God. I am sitting beside Lauren as
I type this. She has to wait for 4 hours in her room after the
procedure. She is driving us crazy asking questions about when she
can get up, eat, walk around, leave. It now looks like she will be
leaving tomorrow. There is a remote possibility that she can leave
today, but given the length of time the beaurocracy takes to get
through things, it will probably be tomorrow.

I know there will still be a bit of settling before we get back to
normal, but at least we can start to plan our lives again.
I think I need to travel a few times in the next few weeks, but the
thing I am most looking forward to is our week holiday in Boambee bay.
It will be great just to veg out for a week. Hopefully, we will get
a chance to really relax.

Reflection on Miracles

Lauren's heart attack has prompted me to reflect on my attitude to miracles.  Being of 'an intellectual/rational bent' I tend to be quite sceptical of miracles.  Even though I believe in God, I have never really expected god to intervene in my life to make it more comfortable.  Generally my prayer does not take the form of requests but rather an attempt to sense my oneness with God.  I think this has been the case long before I ever heard of the term non-dualism (I can't get comfortable with that term).
While Lauren was unconscious and we feared for her life or worse, her mental capacity, my prayer tended to be sending my loving energy to help heal her brain.  However, as you would expect, many in my family and our network of friends were praying specifically for her recovery.  There were Masses said all over the world, novenas offered to Mary, prayers to dead relatives to intervene with God on her behalf, visits to Marian shrines, insertion of Miraculous medals in her bed and many other forms of prayer that I personally (intellectually) feel uncomfortable with.
I have since discovered what I luckily didn't realise at the time, that where someone's heart has stopped and there has been more than 10 minutes before defibrulation, the chances of making any sort of recovery are only one in fifty.  The majority of those who do survive have some form of brain damage.  Lauren's initial heart scan suggested that she had suffered serious damage to her heart.  Her EEG scan of the brain suggested that she had moderate to severe brain damage.  Yet her heart is now totally free from damage and although they haven't bothered with another EEG, it is clear that there is no damage to her brain.  She has full cognition and doesn't seem to have any neurological damage whatsoever.    Once she has regathered her strength, she should make a complete recovery.  
It is hard to go past calling this a miracle.  Some in my family have actually suggested that there might be sufficient evidence to submit it as a miracle in the case for the canonisation of Mary McKillop (an Australian saint).  My intellectual and rational brain is puzzled.  Luckily, I am also able to thank God and take pleasure in the time that I am now able to have with Lauren.

My recovery from Lauren's trauma

I am finding it very difficult trying to get back in to work.  I guess it is largely because we are not really back in a routine as yet.  I welcome the opportunity to come to work because I need a change from the hospital and rushing briefly home but I am finding it almost impossible to focus on anything at work.  I have done some stuff, but anything complex seems to be totally beyond my abilities at the moment.  I think it won't be until we are back into a routine that I will really be able to handle coming to work.  

We are planning to have a chinese takeaway with Lauren at the hospital tonight to celebrate my birthday.   That will be good.  I can't really say that I am looking forward to the weekend though.  Weekends feel just like week days except that we are making no progress towards getting home.  I am not sure what the long weekend will bring.

Lauren has the defibrulator now.

Lauren had a defibrulator implanted on Wednesday and is now recovering well.  She will probably be coming home on Wednesday.  Then we can try to start getting some routine back in our lives.

I was driving Adam to school when the call arrived. He had to be there by 7:00am for his diocesan cross country run. Donna called, sounding hysterical but saying “Something terrible has happened to Lauren but don’t let Adam know”. I had just pulled up so it wasn’t hard to stay calm for a second and wish him luck. At first, I thought Donna must have been overreacting. However, it was obvious that something serious was wrong, so I started the drive back home. I called Donna back but Rochelle answered the phone in confusion. I could hear Donna talking in the background, but I couldn’t really understand what she was saying. She said she would call me in a minute. The two or three minutes before she called back seemed like forever. The first thing Donna said was “I think she’s dead, the ambulance is here”. I nearly had an accident trying to get to the side of the road. I was supposed to be running a training workshop that day, so I had to call someone to either run it or cancel it. Once I had made that call, I seemed to get every red light coming home. At each light I checked that it was safe to cross and then crossed regardless. I am sure that I went through at least 6 sets of red lights between Old Windsor Road and home.

My heart nearly stopped as I turned into our street and saw two ambulances outside our house. They were taking Lauren out to the Ambulance as I pulled up. Naturally, Donna wanted to ride in the ambulance, but they said no, as they needed all the room they had to keep working on her.

As we drove to the hospital, Donna explained how she had gone back to bed after seeing Adam off. She rarely does this, and it almost certainly helped to save Lauren’s life. At 6:50am Donna heard a noise like the dog being sick. She got up to stop him from vomiting on the carpet and realised that it was Lauren not Scrappy who was making the choking sounds. Donna screamed for Karl to call the ambulance. Karl did that and then when they asked about CPR he clicked into action and started administering it to Lauren. He thought she stopped breathing and they called the ambulance again. The ambulance arrived at 7:02 and her heart was not beating. They had to administer shock to her four times to get her heart started and according to their records, she didn’t have a regular rhythm until 7:16.

When we arrived at Emergency, only a minute or two behind the ambulance, Lauren was already surrounded by about 8 people all doing different things with her. Although they welcomed us to stay, it seemed that wherever we stood we were in the way. The ambulance paramedic (Erica) came to us and told us how great Karl was and made the point that whatever happened, Karl had given her all the chance she had. Karl wasn’t there at the time but it was so good for us to hear that. It was only then that I realised how hard that must have been for Karl. Later that day, the Cardio Professor from Westmead who saw Lauren made the same point to Karl directly. I could see a huge burden being lifted from Karl as he said that and I was so glad that Karl had heard it directly from the professor.

The first thing we were told was that Lauren was being transferred to Westmead but soon after we discovered what would continue to be the case for almost a week. Plans change by the minute in ICU. Apparently there were no beds available at Westmead so they were moving her downstairs to Blacktown ICU. They assured us that this was good as she would get just as good care at Blacktown as she would at Westmead. Naturally, we were sceptical and anxious, but as we were powerless, we just followed along.

We were all taken into a conference room where a doctor - there may have been others there as well, it was all a bit of a blur to me except the person speaking – explained that they had been in touch with Westmead ICU and discussed their plans and they were in agreement. Clearly this is an issue for many people as they went to great pains to reassure us that they were working with Westmead. The doctor explained that Lauren had potentially had no oxygen to her brain for at least 25 minutes and that it didn’t look good. Although they gave us a glimmer of hope, they made it clear that the worst was more likely. The doctor (Krish) explained this technique of lowering the body temperature of hypoxic injury patients for up to 24 hours. We were in such a daze, that although we understood what he was saying, we were not capable of challenging it. They asked us to go and get lunch – we were shocked to find that it was already lunchtime – while they got Lauren organised.

After what seemed like hours, we were taken into a room and there was Lauren with tubes hanging out every orifice on her body, unconscious and packed in ice. I mean this literally, There were bags of ice under her arm pits, in her groin and all along her body. It took about 5 hours for her body temperature to drop to their goal of 33o. She wasn’t shivering because she was being fed a paralysing drug and a sedative through the tubes in her chest. At one stage I counted 11 different drugs being pumped into her at the one time.

Lauren remained packed in ice until about 9am the next morning. At that time they took the ice away, but they did nothing more to warm her, as it was important that this happen slowly. They continued to keep Lauren under paralysis during this time to avoid her shivering. Shivering would raise her body temperature too fast. It took almost as long to warm her body as it did to cool it and it was probably about 2pm before she was back to a normal temperature.

Lauren was connected to a monitor which measured her body temperature, pulse, blood pressure, oxygen saturation and breathing. It was fascinating to see the balance. She started to develop a fever and then her blood pressure went up. They introduced a different sedative which also helped to lower her blood pressure. It became a balancing act to keep all these measures at their right level.

During all this time, Lauren had one to one nursing and we wouldn’t have made it through that time without the support of these wonderful nurses. There was ‘Kiwi Sandy’ who was the most gentle and lovely person. She has a daughter with Downs Syndrome, so we discussed the trials of early intervention and Downs. ‘Red headed Sandy’ who was a neat freak and set about cleaning up the room when she started her shift. She was always looking for ways to make things better and all the other nurses called her a philosopher. I had some enjoyable conversations with her, but didn’t really get into philosophy. Another nurse that we had was Danielle. She was a real ‘no nonsense’ nurse but with a heart of gold. When Lauren had been in hospital for a week, Krish tried to get Lauren breathing on her own so that they could avoid the trachie and Danielle was on shift. She worked so hard through her shift trying to get Lauren to breathe on her own enough to avoid the trachie. When Lauren couldn’t keep her lungs clear of phlegm and we had to tube her again, Danielle was struggling to hold back her tears. I guess she had a good idea of what Lauren would go through with a trachie and wanted to avoid it.

On about day 5, they eliminated all sedation except for Propofol. This is a sedative that has a very quick effect and also comes out of the bloodstream very quickly. This allowed them to turn off the sedation and very soon afterwards try to guage what sort of reaction they were getting. We had a couple of signs of squeezing our hands but nothing too conclusive. The doctors had been sending us out of the room and doing this regularly but were not getting good results and one night, a registrar, PK asked us to stay while he tried this. Instead of asking Lauren to squeeze his hand, he asked Donna to ask. Lauren squeezed her hand. She also followed several other instructions. This was our first sign that Lauren might make a good recovery.

The next day, during a period when the sedation had been turned off, Lauren squeezed both Donna’s and my hands and then reached out her arm towards Donna. She was also making eye contact – or so it seemed to us anyway. The signs we were getting were definitely positive, but then we got a devastating blow in the form of an EEG (brain scan) which indicated that Lauren had suffered ‘severe to moderate’ brain damage. The specialist did add that what we were seeing in her responses seemed to contradict that. Throughout the next couple of days we continued to see evidence that she had some brain function, but she was very groggy so it was difficult to get more than a squeezed hand and a wriggled toe.

On the Monday 10 days after Lauren had been admitted, she had the dreaded tracheostomy. This was a tube inserted in a hole in her throat that helped the nurses gain access to her lungs to clear them out. Once the trachie was in, they were able to stop sedation and within 24 hours we were seeing lots of signs of good brain function. She started trying to write, and communicate with us in other ways. On the Wednesday morning, the nurses decided she was well enough to go outside, so they packed her up and moved her outside for a while. It was at this time that she really started to show positive signs. She asked us questions like “What hospital am I in?” “When can I go home?”, “When can I get this thing out of my neck?” and many more. Her fine motor skills had really deteriorated and it was very difficult to read what she wrote. Each sentence tended to start off reasonably legibly but as it continued it got worse and worse until it was totally illegible. This mostly happened when she had written “Can I please have a …”. No matter how hard we tried, we never seemed to be able to read the important bit. I guess it is testament to her determination, that she never took a short cut. She always wrote full sentences. Of course, now, she has progressed from a whiteboard marker to a pen and her writing (though still messy) is far more legible. She is writing constantly.

Update 1/1/2005. Lauren recovered well from her operation. She had a defibrillator implanted and left hospital on 17th June, in time for her birthday. Lauren had a small roadblock when she went back to hospital to have her defibrillator checked and found that the lead had moved and wasn't working effectively. She had to go back under general anaesthetic to have it reseated. Lauren went back to school in early August and started swimming at the end of September.

She is continuing to improve, and despite all the problems this year she still managed to achieve satisfactory results in her School Certificate exams.

Lauren's operation

Donna just called me with the great news that they are looking at
putting the defibrulator in on Wednesday. The Angiogram and EPS are
scheduled for tomorrow and assuming all is okay, they will put it in
on Wednesday. This is great news as it may mean that Lauren can come
home early next week. I guess this means I am likely to be off work
both tomorrow and Wednesday, but it will be great to have this out of
the way.

Another test.

I have just discovered that blogger now allows me to post to my blog
using email. I suppose the main time that I will use that is when I
have my laptop but I am away from the net. I think that will be good
because I would often like to post when I am on the train and unless I
write it in a Word document and paste it, I can't do anything.

Although we have started the readjustment process, there is still a long way to go. Donna and I both spent most of the weekend at the hospital. However, we managed to get a break when we went in to the city to watch Karl performing in "A Touch of Broadway". This was done by his musical society from the Uni. We had a dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant before hand and even managed to win the raffle. It was a wonderful break. Therese stayed with Lauren while we went there.

Both Donna and I are back at work today. The grandparents are taking turns to look after her during the day. The worst of that is that the specialists come during the day and we have to rely on the questions that they ask. Tomorrow both of us will be there while the Angiagram and other tests are performed. Hopefully we will get a chance to speak to the Heart Specialist while we are there tomorrow.

Readjusting to work/life after three weeks of hospital is far more difficult than I expected. This is my third day back in the office. I am still spending a lot of time explaining to people what happened. I am struggling to focus enough to concentrate. Hopefully, that will improve very soon as I catch up on my sleep. Because there is still some uncertainty about when I will be off in the next week or so, it is difficult to plan. Also, I find my focus drifting to Lauren and the hospital several times a day.

It is difficult not to get annoyed at the people, who don't want to know anything except the brief "She is going to be alright" I guess they find it to distressing to consider what she has been through and still has to endure.

I can't believe it is now over a month since my last entry (26/4/04). I am working on an account of Lauren's trauma which I may insert in date order but I am not ready to publish it yet.

Lauren is now in Westmead and recovering her strength while she waits for the tests and for the defibrulator operation that she needs.

Last night was the first night since Lauren's heart attack when I have slept at home and hopefully, Donna will be doing tonight. This is my second day back in the office, but I am not really handling a standard load. The other guys in my team have been fantastic.

Yesterday Donna, Lauren, Rochelle and I made the trek to Bathurst for Fintan's baptism. It was great to see everyone. We really don't get together often enough. I always enjoy it when we do, but it is so easy to get caught up in the day to day activities and never end up seeing each other except for baptisms Christmas and First Communions.

We left Sydney at about 10:30am and had a fine trip until Lawson when we hit traffic. This was a combination of local Anzac Day marches and roadworks that had not been removed for the weekend. We spent about 40 minutes in bumper to bumper traffic. Once we got past Katoomba, the trip was smooth. We stopped at Golden Arches in Lithgow for a snack and ran in to the Lee's. We arrived at about 2pm. Therese and Phil had come up, as of course had Mum and Dad, and Jac and Brad. Surprisingly, Therese and Phil didnt stay for Mass. They went home just before Mass. Considering we got home before 10pm, I thought it weird that they would come all that way and not stay for the Mass. The baptism mass was great. An old Irish? priest said the Mass and really made it seem personal.

Tickle: Social NetworkingI got hooked in by the IQ test on Tickle - it used to be Emode- and discovered their Social Network. I signed up and invited a couple of people on it. I have checked about three times since yesterday. It struck me, and I guess it is one of the attractions and the things that I am looking for, that I use the internet to try to create connection. Through this blog and the other one I have, and through the various mailing lists I am on, I am trying to create a connection with others. Some would say this is to replace something missing in my personal relationships, but I think that any relationship can only satisfy that need we all have in us for a limited time.

Yesterday I watched the Parramatta Manly game in a corporate box. I was invited by my connection in Smartline, a company that rents us software. They got the tickets as a thank you for donations they make to Bear Cottage at Westmead Children's Hospital. The Children's Hospital received the corporate box as a donation from a corporate sponsor.

I was struck by the amount of work that is done via philanthropy and how it goes round in circles. None of the people in the box had actually personally donated to Bear Cottage - they may have, but they were not there because of their individual donations - yet this sort of thing seems to be an intrinsic part of the fundraising process for charities. I am still trying to decide what this means.

I’m back at work now after a quick trip to Nicola and Jeff’s for Easter. We left Sydney at 6:00 on Saturday morning, without Karl, who for whatever reason, decided he didn’t want to go. We had a great trip up there and arrived at about 12:30pm. It was meant to be a surprise for Nic for her 40th, but since we all arrived at different times, the surprise was just about who would turn up. The rest of the family were all down at the beach, so we followed them down there, but all decided to come back for lunch and go down again later. Their house is about 3km out of town on a ‘rural’ estate. All the houses are on 2.5 acre blocks and all have been built in the last 2 years. They are on the starting slopes of a big hill on the road from Crescent Head to Kempsey. Their place backs on to a swamp and there is a wide open space about one kilometre across and about two km wide that is used as grazing land. Kangaroos sun themselves in the paddock and sometimes come up onto their property. Nic and Jeff have a great balcony overlooking this swamp and of course, we ate most of our meals out there. Everyone enjoyed looking for kangaroos and picking them out. I think the novelty has worn off Nic’s kids though.

Mum had warned me that the house was only just habitable, but I was surprised at how much work still has to be done. Obviously it is a big improvement on the small place they had in Kempsey, and even their place in Dubbo, but it will take Jeff a long time to finish it all off. None of the architraves are finished, and so the painting has still to be done. Everywhere I looked I saw something that would take at least a weekend to finish. Brendan and Chiara are both playing weekend sport now, so I imagine both Mum and Dad will be required for that. I wonder how Jeff will be able to juggle being a dad and building a house.

We were able to sleep on the floor in a room that has not been furnished yet, but Pat and Jacinta stayed in a unit in town. I’m glad we stayed in the house, because otherwise we would have missed most of the opportunities to spend time with them. Although Pat and Jac both spent a lot of time at the house, they missed out on breakfasts, and chats late in the night and all those things that you get when sharing a house.

Jeff had planned for a bonfire on Saturday night and started it at about 4pm. The kids loved it and of course, we had to watch closely to make sure they weren’t setting fire to the place. Nic had made up some dough and they put damper on a stick and roasted it over the fire. We barbequed marinated chicken (probably not that common among stockmen) and had hommos dip. It really felt like we were roughing it out in the middle of the bush – with the added benefit of a comfortable bed.

It was great to see Gianna. It is easy to forget how clearly she has the characteristics associated with Downs. It is really striking with her bright red hair and blue eyes. Nic told us that they are certain now that she has the more severe form of Downs. They are spending a lot of time teaching her to sign as well as to talk. Apparently, children with Downs often have trouble speaking and they have a lot of frustration because they can’t communicate their needs. Sign language can bridge the gap while they are learning to talk. It is interesting to compare Gianna and Danielle. We saw Danielle on Friday and Gianna on Saturday, so the comparison is inevitable. Danielle is clearly far more aware than Gianna, but I think she is less verbal than Gianna. Danielle is further advanced in standing up, but not a lot further. Gianna is two months older than Danielle. Considering her condition, it looks like she is doing very well. I think it will be difficult for Nic and Jeff in trying to determine what they can reasonably expect of Gianna. There is a fine line between encouraging her to do all that she can, which is probably far more than most kids with Downs, and making her feel bad for not being able to do things. From our experience with Lauren, I think kids with disabilities are consistently underestimated. Unfortunately, too many children fall to the level of their parents and teacher’s expectations.

Therese and Phil surprised Nic with a visit, arriving as we were eating dinner on Sunday night. Daniel had stayed in Sydney, and Emily and Joel had already come up with Jacinta, so they were driving only with David. Apparently, it was a last minute decision after they had had lunch with Tony Lorizio. It was nice to see them too but it was a pity they didn’t arrive for Saturday night.

Coming home yesterday, we had a great trip except for one section where we were caught in bumper to bumper traffic all the way from Bulladehlah to Karuah. What is normally a 20 minute drive turned in to an hour and a half. It turned out that there were a few reasons. An accident that closed the Gloucester road had added more traffic to an already busy Pacific Highway. There was roadwork on that stretch of road and several overtaking lanes were blocked – even though no work was being done over the weekend. It tested our patience, but we all survived with very little damage.

As always happens when I travel to an idyllic location, I start to wonder about the possibility of moving there. Crescent Head really is a beautiful spot. I started to think about telecommuting, and how often I would need to travel to Sydney. Of course, Donna burst that bubble by bringing up schools, and Lauren’s swimming training. Still it is great to dream sometimes.

I had a strange day today. My childhood memories of Good Friday were a bit morbid I guess. It was like we weren't allowed to do anything enjoyable or happy. Of course, we always went to the 3pm service but even before that, I seem to remember that we couldnt really play games or watch TV or anything.

Because we are going away for the weekend, and Donna wanted to spend some time with her family we had lunch today. It was all fish etc, so we didn't 'break the rules' but it was a really nice meal. You could even technically (at a stretch) say that we complied with the 'fasting' too, because we didnt have any dinner. It was a good day.

My apologies to Tim Dunlop, who writes a great weblog, but the main reason that I am doing this is to try to figure out trackback. Although I do recommend this article.

On Monday I went for my annual (it's actually been longer but that is the theory) skin check up. As I expected, I had several skin spots removed with Nitrogen spray. Naturally, people at work have been asking what is wrong with my face and hands - the blisters are a dead give away- and it has surprised me how few people seem to be aware of the dangers of skin cancer.

In the last two days I have had reason to attend two church services at non-catholic churches. Rochelle recently joined Girls Brigade, which is associated with the local Baptist Church. She joined with the two girls across the street. We were thinking that Guides or something like that would be good for her and coincidentally, two girls moved in across the road and she has been friendly with them. They invited her to try it out and she has really enjoyed it. They had a special service yesterday where they sang a song they had been practicing and we were asked along to see it. It was very interesting. There was almost nothing by way of symbolism or ritual. they had some great music and some prayer that was not particularly unusual to us. They had a great sermon with the use of a Powerpoint presentation and a film clip and some other visual aids that had a really powerful and effective message attached to it. It reminded me of my puzzlement that Catholic churches do not make use of this sort of stuff. I think they think it is unholy or something. There was no communion service, but there was a cup of coffee afterwards. I found it very enjoyable.

Today, on the spur of the moment I popped in to 12:30 Mass (you might as well call it that) at St James Anglican Church. It was held in a beautful chapel called the Holy Spirit Chapel. There was a group of 12 of us there. I found it very touching and comfortable. It is surprising how similar it was to a Catholic Mass. Actually, in many ways I thought it was better than most masses I have attended.

It is amusing, considering that I have recently lost all sense of obligation to attend Sunday Mass and have only gone when I have had a specific reason to go. I find that I am celebrating God with every breath that I take, and only feel that it would be good to attend mass regularly if it were more of a community.

Even in the darkest days, my hotline to God was never disconnected - Opinion - www.smh.com.au: "We witnessed the advent of jumbo jets, the computer"
This article by Michael Kirby really touched my heart. Far too often, we put principles ahead of people.

Lauren had to race down to Homebush last night because we discovered at the last minute that she was a reserve for the Final of the 50 Metre Butterfly. She loved it, but I think it showed this morning because she was a little tired. So far she has swum 3 PBs and one just over.

Lauren's results from Nationals. She is doing well. Many of her times are not her best ever, but they are improving and looking good for the future.

On Saturday I started preparation for painting the Kitchen and Family Room. I have a feeling that this is the start of a full painting of the inside of the house. I guess we need it. I think it is almost 15 years since we painted downstairs. I am taking three days off work this week to paint. Hopefully I will get a lot done, but Donna keeps raising these other things I have to do. "Adam is going in a triathlon. It will only take two hours" "Can you drop in and buy ... on your way home". Oh, well, I will do what I can and move on from there.

I just arrived in Auckland (almost two hours ago) and amazed amazed at how I have fallen for the hype. It is so easy to think of myself as important because I am flying in a plane and staying at a nice hotel. I went straight from the airport to the hotel to check my clothes in. I caught myself being disappointed because the room was not as luxurious as the one I had last time I was here. Last time I had a two bedroom apartment. This time it is sort of a one bedroom with kitchen facilities and washing machine. Still quite comfortable, but because of my expectation from the previous time, I found myself being disappointed.

I am typing this at Sydney Airport where I am waiting for a flight to Auckland. I will be away for a week, setting up a pilot for some software I am working on at work.

Naturally, this is not easy for Donna. We just lost our fridge, which is being replaced today, and we are in the midst of painting, so the house is in chaos. I hope Donna doesnt have too hard a time of it.

Playing games.

Recently my son introduced me to a ‘real time’ war game called Age of Empires. It is very clever and I have thought about wars and society in different ways since starting to play the game. I am no good at it because I haven’t got the drive to plan battles that wipe out my opponent. I normally try to set up a defensive military and then build the more ‘positive’ aspects of my society. I found that interesting and I suppose I patted myself on the back that even in a game, I am still a pacifist. Then I noticed that when I set up a strong defensive position, the computer eventually masses an enormous military force and breaches my defenses. I can normally fend the troops off but if there is ever a second attack, I lose interest in the game. In some ways I guess this is because the thought of death and violence upsets me, but then I thought, since this is a simulation of what might happen (I know, quite a stretch) in real life, I should continue and see how I resolve it. However, I can never be bothered. This morning, I suddenly realized that a reason that I do this might be that I can not stand to lose control. In fact, I think in many ways, the reason that I enjoy working with computers is that I enjoy being in control. I can’t even imagine how I could live a life where I had no control. What would that be like? I will have to spend some time trying to imagine it.

First day back at work

Yes, that day has finally arrived. I had a nice week off. When I look back we didnt really do much except fix things around the house. It was so hot that we were very unmotivated. Lucky we had the pool. We were in and out of it about ten times a day.

I really enjoyed going to Syndey Uni yesterday for the Open Day for Karl. It brought back some great memories. I will have to go visit him at the Uni some times. Karl is doing Science. He is hoping for the Advanced degree, but even if he doesnt get the UAI for that, he can still do the subjects he wants to do at advanced level. If he gets the marks he requires, then it will be easy to upgrade the degree later on.

As you would expect, I have a lot of catching up to do at work, being first day back. I shouldn't really be doing this, but I would like to get into the habit of writing something every day.

Here are some photos of the evening.

New Year's Eve

Well it is NYE again. I always have very mixed feelings about New Years Eve. I would love to join in all the festivities but it all seems so fake. I can't really remember a New Year's Eve that I could call my best ever. I guess I must sound like a real misery guts.

Tonight, we are going to the Fireworks on Sydney Harbour. We plan to leave at about 4pm for the 9pm fireworks and make a picnic at Kurrabba Point, opposite Lady Macquarie's Chair. Donna was hoping her mum would be coming but she has changed her mind and deosn't want to. Karl won't be going because he is working and then going to a school friend's New Year's Eve Party.

This morning Adam and Iwent for a bike ride from Cecil Hills to Prospect along bike tracks. I nearly killed myself :-) trying to keep up with him. I am still feeling sore from it. I think I could use Adam as my personal trainer. Adam was going to go with me on Friday as well until we found out that Lauren is swimming at 5:30 again. Oh well. Back to my slower pace.

Christmas Holidays

I have been on holidays since Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning, while starting the bbq for our traditional Christmas barbecue breakfast, there was an explosion that singed the hairs on my arms, my eyebrows and my fringe, but did no other damage. Obviously, we didnt have a bbq breakfast.

We had lunch with my family at Therese's house. The last few years have been relatively peaceful as far as where we are having christmas since we managed to coordinate with all the in-laws, to have christmas together every second year. Jacinta was pushing real hard on Christmas day to have it in Uralla (mum and dad's place) in two years time. It is a romantic idea, but I can't see it working logistically. Besides the fact of being so far from the other side of the family, there is the extra stress of Christmas, and treading on each others toes as we squeeze into the house, plus, the wide variety of Santa and Christmas morning traditions would cause big problems. I dont think that Therese was too keen either, but I know that Jacinta is really pushing for it.

We spent Boxing Day at our house with Donna's family. Only 12 of us, so not too difficult. It was a full Christmas lunch and by the time we got through it for the second day in a row, we were pretty full.

Since then, we have been catching up with all the jobs that never get done when we are trying to keep up with all the kids activities. I went cycling again yesterday at Horsley Park.

I rode from the car park up to the Radio Antenna. That is the site of the mountain biking for the Olympics. I have had a short ride on the track but it is way beyond my abilities. Perhaps if I drove straight there and started fresh, I might be able to make it around, but I am not so sure. It is a great place to go, especially early in the morning. I often see rabbits, and of course, lots of birds. I will probably go again tomorrow morning.

Christmas Eve

I haven't posted for a while. Things have been busy at home. Karl got his HSC results and did very well. I was so relieved. I think he wouldnt have done anywhere near as well if he had been at a comprehensive school. He reminds me so much of myself in the way he gets distracted and avoids work (like I am doing right now). It is only the fact that the standard he had to work to was so high that he got a good result. I think if he had been the brightest student at a comprehensive, he would have rested on his laurels even more than he did.

Today is Christmas eve and just about everything is organised for Christmas. Thanks of course to Donna. I find her so hard to live with but she does an incredible job of organising the family.

I will be off work till the 6th January. Happy Christmas to anyone who happens by.

The Magic Mirror Technique

I read about this as an opportunity to use the struggles of marriage to learn more about yourself. It is hard to accept that this might be true. It is certainly true that I can learn more about myself by watching how I respond to Donna. I will try to pay more attention and blog about this when I learn something more.

Just before I left for Auckland, I found out that I had won a mountain bike in a raffle at a local photo shop. I was so excited. I have been out riding a few times since then, mostly at 5am after I take Lauren to the pool. I have really loved it. There are so many pluses. Seeing the sunrise, the exercise. I have disovered this really cool place to ride. It was the mountain bike and equestrian centre for the Olympics so there are heaps of tracks. I am just going on the cement ones at the moment but if I get fitter, I may progress to the grass and then even the real bike tracks.

I also found a track that takes me back via Prospect Reservour to my house with virtually no travelling on roads. This is going to be so much fun.

The thing that most struck me about this article was not gullibility, but rather how sad it is that people would be so poor that cutting off their hair for $4 would be worth considering. I wish I had a way of showing this to my children so that they would realise how lucky they are.Hair-raising hoax - www.smh.com.au

What a morning. I managed to wake before 7am, which surprised me since my body thinks it is 5am, then had a leisurely breakfast and wandered round the block to what i thought was the office of Wizard in Auckland. I had gotten the address from the White pages on line and since it was only one block from where they had put me up, it made sense. when I got there it was an empty shell. I looked in the paper white pages and they had another address, and I looked on our database on my Laptop and yet another address, that seemed incomplete to me. I called the office and got a recording, so I am sitting here waiting for 9am when they will hopefully answer the phone. I have also sent an email to my contact hoping that he will answer. I have a horrible feeling that I will have an hour drive to where I have to go. Talk about "The best laid plans of mice and men ...".

Well here I am in an internet cafe in Auckland. I am feeling tired but it is only 5:42 to my body. I will be going back to the Hotel to have dinner soon, then I guess I will probably watch a movie. It feels really strange being here and not knowing anyone. I dont really want to spend a whole lot of money so I can't really go to a bar to meet someone. It is not something that I really feel all that comfortable doing anyway. I am staying at the Quay West Apartments which are two minutes walk from the harbour.

I am sitting at the International airport waiting for boarding. I arrived at the designated 2 hours before and was amazed that it took 45 minutes to get through check-in and immigration. Standing in line for most of that time.

I am catching myself feeling a sense of self-importance sitting here with all these jet setters. It takes quite an effort to remind myself that there is nothing about traveling overseas that indicates that I am better than others. It is funny, I think I spend a huge amount of my mental effort convincing myself that I am special. This tends to be by constantly comparing myself with others. When I realize that I am special and loved by God, regardless of what I do, it is very confusing. It requires me to rewrite the tapes that I play to myself as I wander through life. One that I am trying out at the moment is to focus on another person, and imagine that they are part of me. However, I tend to mainly choose attractive women and so my reflection gets distracted by lust.

I am also annoyed with Donna. I can understand that she is jealous and annoyed that she will have to do more work with me away for a couple of days, but it is like I can’t show any enthusiasm for the trip without her getting angry. If she had the chance to do something like this, I would want her to have a good time and enjoy herself.

Off to New Zealand

I am off to NZ tomorrow morning for two days at our office in Auckland. It will be nice to visit the offices there. This is my first 'overseas' trip for work. I may get to go back again when we implement the software, but I cant imagine many more trips while working for Wizard.

Apparently I will be staying in apartments about two minutes walk from the harbour and five minutes from the office. I dont know how much free time I will have but I will have tomorrow afternoon anyway. I get there at 4:30pm, although who knows how long it will take to get through customs.