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WYD Plenary Indulgence

Here is a perfect example of how far the 'Institutional Church' has strayed from leading people to a meaningful relationship with the God of Love.

What a load of rubbish. This isn't too far from arguing about the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin.

New storm over nude child picture - Arts - Entertainment - smh.com.au

New storm over nude child picture - Arts - Entertainment - smh.com.au

I can't help feeling the politicians and the media are exploiting this issue far more than any 'pornographer' might be. We are really becoming a wowserish society. I am happy to say that I think this photo is beautiful. I am quite comfortable that that does not make me a pedophile. If someone wants to label me as such, then that is their problem, not mine.

Coming soon: meet the wife, she's a robot - Technology - smh.com.au

Coming soon: meet the wife, she's a robot - Technology - smh.com.au: "partner" It is interesting that this article totally ignores real relationships in it's description. The characteristics of 'love' that are being considered are basically about self gratification. There is nothing of real love referred to at all. Certainly it is clear from the article that the most desirable feature of an ideal lover is to be totally compliant to our own desires. I don't think there is any possibility of real personal growth through this type of relationship. If this is really what the future holds, then perhaps Aldous Huxley will have been far closer to the truth than he could possibly have dreamt.

Prayer

These quotes that landed in my In box today really summarise my attitude to prayer.

He prays best who does not know that he is praying.

St. Anthony of Padua

Prayer at its best is an attitude, an awareness of God's presence. It's a feeling that we are not alone, no matter where we are or what we're doing. It is a thankfulness, a silent appreciation of and communion with our source.

Most of all, prayer is stepping back and letting go. It is a conscious awareness that we are the instruments of God's will, that your greatest fulfillment and satisfaction
come in letting that will - not ours - prevail. The best prayer is remembering that your self-will consistently gets us into trouble and that listening for God's will is
the way out.

Karen Casey

I really think we are entering a new era of self righteous ignorance.

While this article is not the ideal article to highlight, because it is clearly generally accepted as bad taste, to wear a Klu Klux Klan outfit, it illustrates how ludicrous our society has become. The other example today was of the woman in bondi wearing a kefiyah style scarf. I would link to it but it seems to have disappeared.

The Henson nudes is another example of self righteous bandwaggoning.

The other thing that annoys me about these examples is how they are splashed all over the media for about two days as if they are the most important thing in the world, then they quietly move over for some other fascinating tidbit. It really points to an incredibly shallow society.

Lets ban these bombs

Hi,

I've just reminded our Government that we're supposed to be one of the good guys - cluster bombs are weapons that break up in mid air to litter the ground with mini-bombs, some of which remain unexploded for years awaiting innocent civilians. But as the international community meets in Dublin to ban them, the Australian Government is going out of its way to frustrate the process.

Thousands of civilians have lost their lives and limbs, mainly children from Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon. But our Government is trying to water down the treaty that could ban them.

They're hoping this issue will slip under the radar without anyone noticing - but the stakes are simply too high to ignore. We need a strong international treaty to prevent horrors like those experienced as a result of land mines, and that decision is being made right now in Dublin. Join me in banning the bombs:

http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/BanTheBombs

Thanks!

Musings on the Feast of Christ the King

As I sat at Mass last night, I couldn't help but think how anachronistic and irrelevant the feast of Christ the King is. How can a republican get excited about the idea of Christ as a King. When I think of kings, I think of people who have done nothing to deserve their postions, with enormous amounts of money gained from the efforts of workers. I think of people who spend most of their lives indulging themselves and are totally out of touch with the day to day reality of most people. How far is this from my image of Jesus. For me, the image of Jesus that sits best is the man talking quietly in the countryside to people who are hurting and giving them real hope.

I went to the dentist last week, and we decided to take this tooth out. I nearly fainted when I saw the size of it, but amazingly, it hardly hurt at all getting it taken out. The wierd thing is that since it was removed, I haven't been able to drink red wine. White is fine, but not red!!!

SMH-Climate change threatens the fight to end poverty

Why have we been able to mobilise so much publicity and support for the Climate Change agenda, which will/might have an impact some time in the future, and very little for the Millenium Development Goals and the fight against poverty, which is killing 30,000 people every day?

Unfortunately, I think the reason is because climate change will affect US whereas poverty affects anonymous people over there. I hope that is not true, but I think it is.

SMH - Death Penalty

It is interesting how people are starting to get indignant about the anti-death penalty movement because it is getting close to the time for the execution of Amrosi and the other Bali Bombers. I wonder if those same people will also be objecting to the imposition of the death penalty on the Bali Nine.

It is sad, how far back we have come from the seventies when advocating the death penalty was not even on anyone's agenda to now where any people are pushing for it (at least for non-whites).

I find it hard to even discuss the question with supporters of the death penalty because it is so obviously wrong to me. It is hard to even come close to getting inside the mind of someone who believes that the world would be a better place with the death penalty.

The book that has had the most impact on my life.

Of all the books that I have ever read, the one that has had the greatest impact/influence on my life is "Awareness" by Anthony de Mello.  It is a book that is very hard to describe.  In many ways, it says nothing that I haven't heard before, but I think it came at the right time.  I have been reading and rereading it now for about six years.

I wish I had an easy way to describe it.  It is one of those books that for me was an epiphany.  While reading it I came to the realisation, "Ah, so that is what it is all about."  So do I now, know the meaning of life?  Well, Yes and No.   It is really frustrating because, 'knowing'  does not make it any easier to put into words.  The closest I can come is a quote from Paul's letter to the Phillipians (can't remember the chapter and verse, or the exact words, but it goes something like this).  "May the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding blow your mind."   When you find something like that, there is a temptation to tell everyone about it and give them a formula, but as Anthony de Mello says, I can't tell you what to do, just what to look for.  If I told you what to do, I would be just giving you another formula, and that wouldn't work.

There are plenty of books, gurus, teachings that tell the same story, but this was the one that got through to me.  If you are still with me, I really encourage you to have a look at it.  You can generally get it at Dymocks or Borders book store.  If you want to talk about it after you have read it, I would love to share with you.

Donna and I saw Amazing Grace on Saturday night. It is a powerful movie about the campaign in the British parliament to abolish the slave trade.

It was made to comemorate the 200th anniversary of the passing of the legislation.

William Wilberforce and others fought a thirty year campaign to turn the tide of popular opinion on its head. It is an inspiring example of how one person can make a difference. There are many similar things happening today that we should not ignore.

It is also interesting to note that most people who believed that slavery was okay were bolstered in their beliefs by the bible. I couldn't help compare this to the situation at the moment with the campaign to make homosexual couples equal before the law.

How I stopped a rapist

What a beautiful story this is. I was moved to tears, but not of sorrow but of joy. The solution to problems of violence is not more violence, in the form of anger, hate, shame and fear, but one of strength. Only by confronting reality, and taking control of our lives can we really conquer evil such as the rape that this lady describes.

It is truly beautiful.

George Pell and the Stem Cell Debate

The sad thing about this whole issue is that the debate has become one about the church telling politicians how to vote, rather than the church expressing its position on an important issue.

Almost no-one would have learned anything about why the church holds the position it does from the debate, as expressed in the mainstream media.

I hope it wasn't Pell's intention to create a power struggle. I really believe that he has though

We have lived through a month of chaos during April as we put in a new kitchen. You can see some of the before, during and after shots here.

I think the timing of my haircut is ideal for this experiment. I desperately need a haircut and I expect my hair is going to get uncomfortable, so the shorter the better. Off I go at lunchtime to get it cut.

A friend was telling me the other day how he hadn't used shampoo or any hair care product for four years and that he had discovered that once your body gets over the initial shock (about six weeks) it goes really well. He just washes it with water and that is all. He is very image conscious and looks great. Anyway, I thought about trying it but chickened out. Then yesterday, I stumbled across this from Richard Glover. I have now decided that I am going to give this a go. Now that it is getting cooler, it might be bearable trying it out. I will update progress here.

What is the value of a human life?

We never actually say it, but our actions make it clear that it depends on where they live, what colour they are, what their religion or sex are.


While I agree that we need to cut down on our energy use, I find it amusing and sad that there is a build up of concern in the world for climate change, when it refers to some possible (perhaps even probable) issues in the future, when we are ignoring the fact that every day, the equivalent of ten 911s are occurring in our world and we don't even think about it.

Actually, an Elephant in the Room for most environmentalists is that as the Third World becomes more affluent then the impact on Climate Change will be even greater. You don't hear many environmentalists suggest that we lower our living standards, only that we reduce our wastage.

Like it or not, for there to be real justice in the world, we will need to halve our living standards.

I still believe that as parents, unless you have plenty of money and no job, it is just not possible to spread yourself around and have lots of kids. The kids just don't get all the attention they need.

I have felt it even with our four kids. This is one of the main reasons why I think the church is just plain wrong with their teachings on contraception.

When it comes to abortion and abortive agents, I am a lot closer to the church, but to ban condoms, vasectomies and other preventative means of avoiding conception is not (in my opinion) wrong. I can see some reasons why it might be. Especially if the reason is to sustain a materialistic lifestyle, but even in families that are non-materialistic, it is just not possible to spend the time needed to mould loving adults (without hangups) when there are so many
of them. That isn't to say that we can't work through our issues and live great lives, but for the church to put that added pressure on marriages of not being able to safely have sex without fear of conception is just totally wrong. I have no question whatsoever about the IMMORALITY of the teaching on contraception.

I have very mixed feelings about this sort of weapon. In one context it seems like a good thing, because it should minimise permanent damage. However, I am concerned that with weapons like this, military or civil forces will be tempted to use them far more readily than previously. The potential for total domination by a totalitarian regime are enormous.

Active Denial Ray Gun

Town troubles spelt in black and white - National - smh.com.au

Obviously, this whole incident is tragic. On top of that though is the hypocrisy of the reactions. The newspapers are being very careful not to explicitly mention that the attackers were aboriginal. I found the same thing when listening to talk back radio yesterday. People seem to be talking in a code that says, "nudge, nudge, wink wink." It does nothing to improve the issues of racism, because people are not talking openly, but it also shows how people continue to use labels like "aboriginal", "moslem", "do-gooder", "feminist" as an excuse to stop thinking of the person behind the label, to stereotype them and to assume that they will behave in a certain way. As the article indicates, most aboriginal people in Griffith are decent, law abiding, people who are just as concerned about the violence as everyone else in the community. That is what racism really is all about isn't it. Making assumptions about a group of people, just because other people who have one physical characteristic in common with them exhibit a particular behaviour.

This article in the SMH on how easily the rich (that includes you and me) can end world poverty makes it clear that the Make Poverty History is not a fruitless goal. The hard part isn't ending poverty, it is making people care enough to even bother.

TJ's First Birthday

Oct 7, 2006 - 50 Photos

We had a great day today with Craig and Jenny. Craig is Donna's nephew and it is their son TJ's first birthday today.

Reclaim control of blacks' destiny - National - smh.com.au

A very difficult issue this! I can certainly see the point. Current policies have not worked. Clearly, something different is needed. However, if this is a good policy, shouldn't it also be applied to other welfare recipients. What about people who are a drain on our health system by smoking, overeating or taking drugs. The questions becomes where do you draw the line?

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

I have just finished reading Jane Fonda’s autobiography My Life so far. I am finding it hard to remember what my impressions of her were before I read the book I have seen some of her movies, but I don’t think I ever really gave her much thought. I had heard her speaking on the radio (Life Matters) about her book and found what she had to say sufficiently intriguing to buy the book (not something I do very often).

Once I started reading it I could barely put it down. I finished it in just over a week. One of the reviewers had said that it is more a journey than a story, and I think that is a good summary of it.

Interestingly, I found that I was very able to relate to her and it seemed like many of her issues resonated with me. If you read it you would find that amusing, because one of her kids described her as a chameleon, changing her colours to suit the man she was with. I hadn’t thought much of this, but I certainly find that when I read a story, or an essay I get so involved with the author’s thinking that it is very difficult for me to separate their opinions from my own. I am really struggling as I read this to remember a single book where I felt it difficult to relate to the narrator. Possibly, this could be that I don’t choose or continue to read books that mismatch. I have read a couple of Hannibal Lecter books so surely I didn’t relate well to him, but still I must have been able to empathise at some level

One of the ways that I particularly felt an affinity with her was that I find it very difficult to assert myself and my own needs around Donna (and the kids). I find that I don’t even bother trying to set an agenda for our lives and just go along with the flow. This isn’t totally true, because I do sometimes choose something different, but it seems pretty rare to me. Donna tells me that I am too self absorbed. My own feeling is that even if I am, I tend to be self forgetting and don’t look after myself enough. I wouldn’t say that I am selfless, but rather that I have always seen my needs as less important than others. This is at one level. However, at another I think I recognise that I am entitled to look after myself, but rather than do something about it, I am just resentful of the people who seem to take first claim on my time. Unfortunately this can often mean that I shutdown. Effectively this means that while I am not making myself available to others, I am also not doing anything useful or comforting for myself. Seems very passive aggressive.

It feels as though this condition is effectively paralysing me. I am not sure how to break out of it. It seems that breaking out of this pattern requires a more radical change than I am willing to undertake. However, it is driving me crazy.

The other (and perhaps related) issue that the book brought out for me is the burning desire/feeling that I have been placed on earth for a very specific purpose and that I am doing almost nothing to bring it about. If I look back I can score myself well on my life so far, but it doesn't feel as though I created it. More than anything I think I have persisted and haven't walked away from my responsibilities. But, as I mentioned above, this hasn't always been active.

I will continue to think (about this and perhaps comment here).

I went this morning with Lauren and Rochelle to the Blacktown City Festival. They were marching with their school in the parade. I really had a good time. The girls were supposed to arrive about an hour before the parade so I had the chance to look around for quite a while before the parade started. I really enhoyed looking around at all the various cultural groups mixing together and making Blacktown into a great community. I started the morning by eating a Thai sate stick with peanut sauce and moved on to having a chat with a kurdish woman from Turkey and buying a baclava from her.

During the parade there were cultural groups from Uruguay, Philippines, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Holland and China as well as all the service clubs, some church groups and so many other groups. The actual parade lasted for just over an our and there were about 70 different groups in the parade.

After the parade, of course we had to go and get lunch. Rochelle and I split a Gozleme made with mince, fetta and spinach, and Lauren had an indian chicken curry.

I left with a really positive feeling about our community.

Rifle baffles terrorist - World - smh.com.au

'The Americans hope to isolate religious extremists from insurgents they believe are more likely to cut a deal to end thewar.'

What a pity they didn't try this strategy three years ago. They might have saved a lot of deaths.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

Softly, softly, jihadists are lured into peace - World - smh.com.au

Now this sounds like a promising alternative. I hope we hear more about it in the future.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

Navy may force Papuan boats back: ministers - National - smh.com.au

If you believe, like me, that Australia taking this sort of action is unjust, let Alexander Downer know. Send him an email at A.Downer.MP@aph.gov.au indicating your position.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/nationa...

Iraqi opposition against Jaafari grows

It seems that as far as the US is concerned, democracy should only go so far, and no further.

I can't believe the US people continue to finance this debacle that has achieved none of its original stated aims and is costing trillions of dollars a year.

Read more at news.ft.com/cms/s/0f72c...

Doubt at the Opera House

Adam had to see a play for drama so Donna and I decided to make the most of it by seeing something significant. This sounded good and all we had read about it was good but it exceeded my expectations completely.

Only four actors, but very powerfully performed. The scenes were simple but effective. I won't spoil it by going into detail but it was tense, hilarious, and disturbing. All of the characterisations were really well done and it was easy to take on the conflicts going on in their minds.

Read more at www.sydneytheatre.com.a...

Australia wins Winter gold - Sport - smh.com.au

How wierd is this thing called Nationalism. Yesterday, noone in Australia had ever heard of Dale Begg-Smith. He wasn't born in Australia, and being an freestyle mogul champion, he probably spends most of his life outside Australia. Yet, we all well up with pride and congratulate ourselves on having our first winter gold medal. Does anyone else find this funny?

Read more at www.smh.com.au/articles...

Not sold on the hard cell solution - Opinion - smh.com.au

Another great article from Ross Gittins. You don't have to be a bleeding heart liberal to consider other options than the simple solutions of the redneck agenda.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

Alleged syndicate organiser arrested - World - smh.com.au

Lucky for him that the Federal Police afforded him the courtesy of arresting him in Australia. I wonder why they didn't do the same for the Bali Nine?

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

Gay Rights

I feel the need to state my view on Gay rights. This is prompted by this article on Webdiary

As a matter of social justice, Gay people are entitled to the same equality before the law that are available to all. It is without question, unjust that property rights, inheritance rights, and legal recognition of commited relationships are not available to them.

I really struggle to understand how any fair minded person, christian or not can be opposed to that.As far as custody rights, once again, I believe that a person's sexuality should not be relevant to their right to custody. Similarly, on the matter of adoption of a partner's children, I believe that homosexuals should have the same rights as all others.In the matter of government subsidy of fertility programs, I find it a little more difficult to support. Especially in the case where the only need for the fertility program is an unwillingness to try the natural method. Here, my objection is really just a matter of priorities. I don't think, when the health budget is so tight, that this is a justified expense. I have a similar view for hetrosexual couples.For couples wanting to adopt children, although I agree that the ideal situation is for parents to be a hetrosexual couple in a stable relationship with no mental or physical health problems, this is an ideal that is rarely possible. I have no doubt that children can bloom in a healthy homosexual family as well as in any other. However, I would hope that the child's best interest is always the prime motivation, rather than any political or social agenda.

Holy words come at a hefty price - World - smh.com.au

Perhaps they have been misquoted, but it seems to me like another sign of how far Power has taken these men from the Love of God.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/wor...

The Bartlett Diaries » West Papua - asylum seekers and lessons from our history

A good discussion by Andrew Bartlett of the issues around the Papuan refugees.

Read more at www.andrewbartlett.com/...

Asylum seekers boat found - National - smh.com.au

How will the Talk Show Jocks and the other commentators react to this? Clearly we have a moral duty to grant these people asylum, assuming their story is true. I look forward to seeing how the DIMIA reacts.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Guard forces disabled duo to crawl - National - smh.com.au

This story doesn't add up. Obviously, the security guard was an idiot, but if these guys needed wheelchairs to get around, why didn't they have their own? After all, when they got out of the car somewhere else, how were they going to move away from the car.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Ruddock canvasses ID card review - National - smh.com.au

I have very mixed feelings about this. I can see the positives for this. If there is a reliable identifier that business can use to verify someone's identity, it will dramatically reduce fraud, however, recording that ID no against a record will make it infinitely easier to match data from a variety of sources. It scares me that this is happening under a government that has shown that it is not really interested in getting consensus.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

Marriage: same sex, same difference - Opinion - smh.com.au

This well thought out article makes you wonder why anyone who believes in liberal democracy would have the slightest hesitation to allow gay marriages. I definitely do not want to live in a theocracy, so why am I not more actively supporting the right of homosexuals to marriage (by whatever name).

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

I spent the week with my sister Nicola in Crescent Head. We had a great time with their kids. I have to say though that it was good to get home to the relative peace and quiet of our place.

It is interesting that I am feeling a little inhibited about what I write after Nicola telling me (referring to my speculation that noone reads this) that she does read it.

It is one thing writing thinking that noone is reading, though that seems strange given this technically public forum.

Nic's house was totally chaotic and I don't think I could stand it for too long, but, despite that, the kids seem to have a great time and are all great kids.

Gay cowboy film blackout up north - Film - Entertainment - smh.com.au

This is really going to confront a whole lot of people. I hope it is very successful so that people are forced to think through this issue.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/film/br...

Street Stories - 24/12/2005: Locked In With Friends

I listened to this story on Podcast yesterday and it really hit home with what we could have been dealing with after Lauren's incident. This guy has been confined to a bed for eight years now without any ability to communicate or move. What is surprising is that his friends continue to keep up regular contact with him. Very moving story, especially after what we have been through.

Read more at www.abc.net.au/rn/histo...

For heaven's sake - Books - Entertainment - smh.com.au

Great article. I agree with so much of what she has to say. I bet there are lots of conservatives squirming over this.

Read more at smh.com.au/news/books/f...

Just put it up: Iemma - National - smh.com.au

This is starting to look like jingoistic McCarthyism. Do we all have to prove we are Australian by plastering every building with an Aussie flag? It is starting to be a bit llike those American movies where people randomly recite the Pledge Of Allegience and criticise others for not joining in.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/nat...

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty (I
think that God as Father is limiting. For me, Lifeblood, or Life force rings
truer.),

maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.
(I don’t know if God created the earth or it has always been. It doesn’t matter
to me either way. What I do believe is that God is at the centre of all
creation.)

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,

the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father,

God from God, light from light, true God from true God,

begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. (Is
Jesus God? I think that Jesus is God in the sense that we are all part of the
Unity of God. I think that Jesus’ self awareness or God-awareness is what makes
him God.)

For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven,

by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary and became truly
human. (Jesus has shown by his example a way to God)

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;

he suffered, died and was buried.

On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures;

he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,

and his kingdom will have no end. (Now this one, I have no
clue about. I guess I will just have to wait and see.)

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,

who proceeds from the Father and the Son. Who with the Father and the Son is
worshiped and glorified.

Who has spoken through the prophets. (For me, this part of
God is the part that I see most clearly. The Spirit of God as the Life
force/heartbeat is what I relate most to)

We believe in one holy Catholic and apostolic Church. (This
is one that I really can’t agree with. Even though Catholic means universal, I
can’t see any universality in the Catholic Church. The exclusion of homosexuals
and the judgemental attitude that seems prevalent in both the church hierarchy
and far too many Catholics makes me feel uncomfortable to claim it as mine.)

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. (I
believe that there is nothing to forgive. Perhaps that is because of Jesus’
Death and resurrection, or perhaps not. I believe that our separation from God
is an illusion that we create for ourselves. There is nothing to forgive,
because there is no separation.)

We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
(I believe that Eternal life is now. We do not have to
wait for death to join in the life of God, it is already available to us if we
only accept.)

Amen.

Gangsters' hold on Sydney is safe - Opinion - smh.com.au

I seldom agree with Miranda Devine, and I don't agree with all of this, but I think we really need to bring issues like this out into the open. Government should be made to answer this and we need more honesty along with tolerance.

Read more at www.smh.com.au/news/opi...

Baby's sex test offers new hope - National - smh.com.au

This is one of those signs of the times that scares me. It is just not the thought that people will easily abort foetuses that have abnormalities, but rather the message that it is sending to people with a disability, that they are disposable. It might be starting with sex and genetic disorders, but as the testing becomes more sophisticated, surely the opportunity to select on hair colour, and so many other characteristics will occur.

Where will it end?

Woman, 37, indicted for wedding boy, 15 - World - smh.com.au
It is interesting that society, and me, find it less 'evil' when the male is the child than when the female is the child. I don't know if women feel the same, but I suspect most men think that they would love to have been in this position as teenagers.

I am very aware of the hypocrisy of this and that there is no difference in the ability of a boy or a girl to make a valid decision for themselves, but at some level, it seems worse for a girl.

Chiding for Catholics who stray - World - smh.com.au Another example of how out of touch and irrelevant the vatican is to the lives of it's people and to the life with God. I wonder what they are referring to when they mention profane music in church?


Things like this make me wonder how long the church has left.

I am amazed at how I find my self searching out companionship/solace relief from my aloneness from the internet. I know that I get a lot of information, and stimulating input and reflective ideas from the internet, but too often during each day I go in search of diversion. I am trying to understand what it is that I am seeking. When I notice myself doing this it reminds me that there is nothing that I need that I don't already have.

Push to ban headscarves divisive: Dems - National - smh.com.au

Noone who had read my blog would be surprised to hear that I am opposed to this move to ban the use of headscarves. For a start, while I agree that moslems are using the head scarf as a badge of 'defiance', I don't agree that they necessary mean that they are supporting terror. What I think they are saying is that in spite of the negative pressure exerted by their society, they are still proudly moslem. It is interesting though that it is the women that must bear the burden of this 'defiance'. I wonder why moslem men are not required to show some visual symbol of their religion?

Another interesting effect of this proposal is that moslem girls are far more likely to experience Australian life and become integrated into Australian society if they are attending public schools, yet by following this course of action, we are forcing these girls into the limited thinking that would be provided by attending a religious school.

Although I feel that I could do more to make the world a better place, it fills me with joy to think that my efforts and those of others who petitioned the Australian Government to act for this man have saved his life. Aussie wins clemency from Vietnam death sentence - World - smh.com.au

Too often, we say, "But what can one person do" but this is another illustration that one person can make a difference!

I just checked my cousin's blog The Adventures of a Little Fish in a Big Sea and was disappointed to find that he hadn't blogged since April, when it occurred to me that it had been quite a while since I had blogged too. I have no idea whether anyone reads my blog because I have never had a comment added (sorry Louanne, I forgot that you did once). I suppose when we blog we are all hoping that someone out there cares enough to stop by and read. But then again, I read lots of blogs and almost never leave any comments. I wonder, if this need to be noticed/loved is something we all feel, but that we tend not to reach out, how ironic it is. Is it really that simple, that all we need to do is to reach out instead of waiting for others to reach out to us?

Ruddock accused of raid leak - National - smh.com.au The 'security' forces are running rough shod over our civil liberties and what does everyone do? Watch Big Brother I guess. How long will it be before people realise what is being done in their name?

Sex assault strike force: have you seen this man? - National - smh.com.au What on earth is a seven year old doing on the streets on his own at 9:30pm!!!

I spent Monday and Tuesday in Brisbane. I am amazed at how easily I can deceive myself that flying interstate and staying at fancy hotels makes me a great person. Qantas are running a competition at the moment to win a Lexus. You dont have to do anything except fly to be in the running for the prize. I read that the prize was worth $150K and thought of course I would sell the car and pay off the mortgage. Then I saw the car and started thinking how great I would look in it. We truly are children.

It could have been five weeks ago - World - smh.com.au And this story is a fantastic illustration of why Australia should not be in Iraq except in a peace keeping role. We clearly do not understand the local culture and are not doing enough to learn. In a country that was 'liberated' over two years ago, and has had 'democratic' elections, it is deplorable that military forces would behave like this. And for australia to be involved is so far from what we believe of ourselves!

I have always found Juan Cole's observations to be informative and accurate. Here is what he says about the future of peace for Iraq.Informed Comment

Against his will, the transfusion that saved a boy - National - smh.com.au: "determination"

This is a difficult situation! I think I would have found as the judge did. Even though he is at an age of reason, a child would find it very difficult to look beyond the grounding that he had received. Even as an adult, I find it difficult to know whether I am thinking rationally, or deciding based on programming and rationalising my justification. I think for adults, we just have to accept that they have the right to make a decision. However, I say all of this without the experience of having a religious view that is so violently different than the mainstream. I suppose some of my views are, but I can't think which of them is at risk of being opposed in the courts.

A matter of where life is cheaper - Opinion - www.smh.com.au

A great article. It really makes you think. I have been very alarmed by the obvious xenophobia and racism inherent in most of the reporting of the drug cases in Indonesia. I find it particularly ironic that people are so critical of the Indonesionan (Napoloeonic) legal system where the onus is on the accused to prove innocence. At the time of the trial of Amrozi and the others accused of the Bali bombing, the media and talk back were 'waxing lyrical' about how much better the Indonesian system was for getting a quick result.

Australia's sexiest woman - People - www.smh.com.au

How fascinating the role that 'fame' has in whether people are considered 'sexy'. Some of these women are not particularly outstanding, it is merely the fact of their fame that defines them as 'sexy'. To me that confirms that the largest sex organ is the brain. We are all deluding ourselves constantly and can create happiness for ourselves at anytime, merely by imagining it.

Although I do believe this, yet I still manage to create unhappiness for myself too often. Why do I do it. And also, if I do create happiness for myself with my imagination, is this the same as putting my head in the sand or can I create 'happiness' and still act as an agent of change?

Ratzinger a strict defender of orthodoxy - World - www.smh.com.au

Is this a great day for the church? My gut says no. I don't see Ratzinger as inclusive in any way. I think he is far more interested in following the rules than in celebrating the love of God. My prayer is that I am wrong.

Families of alleged traffickers Bali bound - World - www.smh.com.au

This can't be good for Schapelle Corby. I'm sure that the general public in Indonesia would think that Australia if full of drug dealers. Except for the possibility of corruption, she probably is better off without a jury trial. Hopefully the Judges are not swayed by public opinion.

This weekend was the first quiet weekend we have had in over a month. Donna and I went out to dinner on Saturday night, but that is about all. It was nice for a change.

Crowds angry as police close queues - World - www.smh.com.au

How ironic that people caught up in religious fervour could lash out at the police. To me this seems a long way from God! God must surely be shaking her head just like me.

Family losing its race against time - World - www.smh.com.au: "Terri Schiavo"

This really is tragic. I hate the way it becomes entertainment for the masses though.

I also hate catching myself feeling some sort of 'joy' (not the right word really) that 'my side is winning'. I don't have a side and can relate to the tragedy on all sides, but I still find a part of myself feeling this way.

These things really expose the ugly side of humanity.

Da Vinci Code's 'lies' - Books - www.smh.com.au

I guess this is hardly a detailed report but it seems to leave a lot of questions unanswered. It is interesting that the Cardinal suggests that Jesus having a child with Mary Magdalene amounts to defamation!!! This says more about the mind of the Cardinal than it does about Jesus.

I have no idea whether the story in the gnostic gospels is correct or not. I can't see how anyone living today can know the truth. I have to question why the church is so violently opposed to the possibility that the alternate story might be true.

What a day we had yesterday. We started the day at 8:30 with a trip down to Homebush. Lauren was swimming in the National Open Championships and Adam was running in the State Athletics Championships. They were scheduled to be competing about 15 minutes apart. Luckily, it is only a five minute walk between venues.

Lauren realised half way there that she had left her swimming costume at home. Well, the stress levels of everyone in the car went up a few degrees. Luckily, the Speedo shop at the pool was open and we were able to buy a pair of cossies (full price of course). Lauren swam a (post heart attack) PB which was great. We didnt have time to see her afterwards as we had to race off to the track to see Adam compete in the 2km Steeple Chase. We made it comfortably, and watched him do a PB as well. We went back and picked up Lauren and then drove home. Half way home, Lauren realised that she had lost her (new) cossies. We couldn't just turn around, as we were rushing home to drive Karl to work.

I dropped Donna off and returned to Homebush with Lauren. Luckily, we were able to find the cossies and returned home to recover.

Adam had to go back to Homebush for another event later in the day, and we also had to drop in for Donna's brother-in-law's birthday celebration. Donna went to the athletics and I took the girls to the party. We couldn't stay long though, because Donna and I had tickets to see Niel Diamond in concert at ... Homebush. He was on at the Superdome.

We arrived at Homebush in plenty of time. We allowed ourselves two hours for a leisurely dinner and stroll to the venue. We got free parking and managed to get a table at The Brewery. We bought a bottle of wine (no queue) and sat down to have a glass before getting a meal at the bistro. We hadn't really noticed, but a whole lot of people arrived after us. I got up to line up for our dinner. I knew there might be a problem when I saw the queue at the bar. I went over to the bistro queue and decided it didnt seem too long. After fifteen minutes and virtually no movement, the kebab stand out on the street started looking good. So here we were, sitting down with our bottle of Chardonnay, eating kebab's out of a bag dressed up to go to a concert. Not what we had in mind!!

The concert was great and overall it was a good day.

Mouse will have brain of human - Unusual Tales - www.smh.com.au

Now this scares me. I shudder at the thought of what could be done with this technology if it succeeds. Where would the line be drawn if an animal, exploited by farming (or whatever) had a human brain? Very scarey!

Today, I went through the trauma that every parent faces eventually. Karl's first driving lesson.

It turned out quite well, but I was certainly glad when it finished. I'm sure it will get better every lesson.

Habib: more revelations 'may have to come out' - Anti-Terror Watch - www.smh.com.au

It is almost impossible to know the truth of this case, but I am stunned how easily the media, government and many in the general population have been happy to jump on the bandwagon and vilify this man with no evidence. I read somewhere else that this is the new McCarthyism. Accuse someone of being sympathetic to Al Quaeda and all of their rights can be waived. It seems like we are happily jumping back fifty years with our civil rights practices.

I am reminded of Martin Niemöller's poem about Nazi Germany. We have to protect the rights of all people.

First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Louanne visited Nicola on the weekend and here she is proudly showing off Sienna and Gianna 

I am amazed sometimes at how things work out. I have a suspicion that the saying "There are no accidents" is true, but being a sceptic, I have trouble believing.

Last weekend I was at a party when a discussion turned to home schooling. I mentioned a friend of mine who is homeschooling his daughter and that he had investigated lots of computer software packages. The woman I was talking to expressed interest, so I offered to find out some details. He replied immediately and invited me to join a discussion group with several other internet friends who used to meet regularly but had lost touch over the past 18 months. It seems the group had only just reformed. I had only spoken to him once in 18 months, yet here I was contacting him at just the time when they were starting the group again.

Sometimes I wonder if these things might not be happening all the time if only I was looking properly.

Boy, 7, thrashed for not eating cheese - National - www.smh.com.au

I don't know how we change attitudes like this. This is far more extreme than anything I experienced as a child, but this sort of thinking was a product of a past era. I certainly remember being forced (emotionally rather than physically) to eat things I didnt want to eat. Although there have been many changes for the better, we still have a lot of room to change more.

The Center for Global Development | 2004 Ranking The Rich

What a great measuring stick for the impact of developed countries on developing countries. It does a great job of explainging the issues too.

I read that all is as it should be and that I Iack for nothing. Yet, in my gut I feel an emptiness, a longing, for contact. I hear and understand that ultimately, we are all alone and that is our natural state. So why do I have this unfulfilled longing for physical and intellectual union with others. I am told, and sometimes know, that there is no ‘Other’ and that all is one, yet so often it is impossible to believe this. If this truly is the Way, why do I seem so lonely? And yet, when I stop and breathe, and ask myself the question, “What is missing from this moment?” I have to answer nothing. All is as it is.

It is amazing how centring a simple breathing meditation can be. And yet, in the business of life, I can often go far too long between meditations.

Today, I was reading about a woman who organized a plane load of drugs to be sent to Aceh. I hear this and think how little I have really done. Sure we gave money, and we will probably give more, but I could have done more. Actually, it is not too late, yet what am I going to do?

I seem to live with the illusion that I am powerless, that I am bound to Donna and family, and that is my reason why I can’t do so many things. It is very convenient!

My help with the Tsunami

I was thinking that the only thing I could really offer was money, then it occurred to me that perhaps my interpretation skills might be useful. Then it occurred to me that if I could be helpful I should offer myself. I even thought that my work would contribute some of my time perhaps matching my holiday time. I sent an email offering my services, not really expecting anything, but of course, I started immediately daydreaming myself into hero status. I am not sure whether I would really be going for them or for me. I guess, if someone thought I could help, I would go regardless.

Anyway, it doesn't look as though my offer is being taken up. Oh well!

New Year's Day
I don't normally place a lot of importance on New Year's Day. As a day for change, I dont think it is any more significant than any other. Lots of people have been saying, "I hope next year is better than this year for you". In many ways though, I think of last year as being one of the most blessed of my life. Firstly, Lauren miraculously recovered from her heart attack. We discovered how many people cared enough about us to offer support. We met many people going through similar trauma and our hearts were touched by them. I have had a new perspective on life. It is far easier now for me to focus on Now. Whenever I look at Lauren's trachea scar I am reminded how close we came to losing her and that I should not let a day go by without living it to the full.

Donna and I went to the movies on Saturday night and saw The Notebook It is a beautiful movie. The scenery, in South Carolina was fantastic, and the 40's setting was beautiful. I can really recommend it.

One interesting thing was that it dealt with dementia. I have had two grandparents who had dementia as they grew older and Donna often expresses her fear, as I get vague, that I might suffer from it too. It was tragic to see the husband of the women with dementia and how much it hurt him to live with it.

Very touching movie though.

I was sent a link to this when I signed an internet petition about the injustice of mandatory detention. Refugeeguarantee.com.au.

It bothers me that Australia has come so far from the days in the seventies when we welcomed boat people. The fact that an issue like this barely rates a mention, makes me despair for the heart of the nation.

Perspective

I am finding myself surprised at both ends of the spectrum at the
results of my experiments in awareness. It is amazing how many of the
things that I do I do out of unconscious habit. And also, how even
knowing that, I continue to do it. Is this the nature of humans or
not? I guess it would have to be not, because clearly somepeople are
able to maintain awareness and are able to be extremely effective.
Even in non-awareness, the difference between someone who does
something (anything) well and someone who does it poorly is enormous.
If one person can do it well, surely anyone can. How much of my life
do I spend asleep. Missing opportunities to communicate with my
family and others I meet, being distracted from what is important.
Letting negative thoughts, foods, excesses of any type invade my mind
or my body. It is funny, even this message, I really started typing
just so that I could add something to this blog. How important is it
really? I find it a useful way of channeling my thoughts but does it
do me (or anyone else) any good? Who knows. I doubt that anyone else
ever reads it. If that is true, then it must be for me, I think I do
get something out of this because it focuses my thoughts and forces me
to be more disciplined (only a little bit). However, I think I
unconsciously hope that I am going to touch someone by my writings and
reach out to their heart. But I don't think I really want to do that
to make anyone else feel good, only to massage my own ego.
Now I find myself reviewing this to decide whether it is worth
publishing, (and trying to find where to make a new paragraph, because
I have been told that this is too long for a paragraph).

Love, God, Self, Connection

I have noticed that recently I have been quite disturbed. I find
myself searching the eyes of women that I casually come across in my
daily travels for some form of intimacy. When I make eye contact and
get a smile, I find myself feeling good. Perhaps I read it as a sign
that I am still attractive, perhaps I briefly fantasise about some
imagined future with this person who (being a fantasy) is perfect and
will provide me with the fulfillment I seek.

I remember the strategy in Core Transformations of asking myself, what
is the higher purpose that I am striving for when I ....?

In this case, it is Oneness with that other person. It is funny that
I am only looking for 'Oneness' with women who are attractive to me.
You would think that if it really was Oneness that I was seeking,
then, being a spiritual thing, physical appearance would not matter.
Another way of looking at it might be to say that I am experiencing
Lust.

If it is Lust, then what is the Higher purpose that I am seeking?

I suppose it would be Love of Self and pampering Self.

What is the Higher purpose that I achieve, by pampering myself?

Feeling/experiencing/knowing the sense of being loved.

What is the Higher purpose that I achieve, by experiencing being loved?

Knowing that I am acceptable.

Who to?

To myself, to God, to others I meet.

I am not sure why, but it seems that I am still affected by Lauren's illness. It seems that Donna and I have been more significantly impacted by this than has Lauren herself. We both seem unwilling to do anything more than what we need to do to keep the family going. This blog is an example of that. I have hardly posted since Lauren got out of hospital.

Starting to get back on top of things

Lauren had a good week last week. She went to school all week, and although she was tired by the end of the day, she made it through each day. She is really anxious about tomorrow when she goes to get her defib checked out again. This was when she was put back under to get the leads adjusted. I think she will be much more relaxed once she has done that.

we are starting to make progress again with our painting and with the work as Treasurer of Smithfield. All such mundane things, but it just seemed impossible to do any of them until this last week.

I'm still feeling very flat. It seems strange to me that over two months after Lauren's incident, I am still disoriented and not back in a routine. I suppose you would call it post traumatic stress. I think that Donna is also feeling down at the moment. We had a week holiday last week and that was good, but I think we needed far more than that.

Abortion

A chance, perhaps, to heal long after a mother's traumatic choice - Opinion - www.smh.com.au

This is something that I have long suspected. It is not very well received for a man to express something like this when talking to women who are pro-choice. It was very touching to read this account. Sadly though, I think that right to lifers often show just as little understanding and love as the pro-choice people. This is another example of the error of black and white thinking.

What is my allotted work?

The disciple was a Jew. "What good work shall I do to be acceptable to God?"

"How should I know?" said the Master. ""Your Bible says that Abraham practiced hospitality and God was with him. Elias loved to pray and God was with him. David ruled a kingdom and God was with him too."

"Is there some way I can find my own allotted work?"

"Yes. Search for the deepest inclination of your heart and follow it.?"

Anthony de Mello, SJ


To me, this has seemed like the biggest problem of my life. The feeling that I have something important to do that I haven't yet started and not knowing what it is.

The deepest inclination of my heart seems to be Community. Not joining a community and having to follow rules, but community that respects the rights and individuality of each but allows each to lean on the others. Simplicity, intellectual stiulation and openness are characteristics of the type of community that I long for.Books that inspire me in that direction include The Diffferent Drum by M Scott Peck and Small is Beautiful by E F Schumacher

Settling back to reality

I can't believe how hard it is to settle back into life. I find
myself thinking constantly about how close we are at any moment to
death.

I don't think I am being morbid. Actually, I think this is something
we should always be aware of. I am not fearful of death, but
realising how close death might be tends to sharpen my focus on what
is important in life.

When I think about it, those of us who are living our lives blissfully
ignorant of how short our lives could be are really the ones who are
not living with reality.

Lauren is home now. Hooray!

Hooray! Lauren has had the ICD test and everything went well. They
had to induce an arythmia and hope that the ICD would kick in.
Everything worked correctly thank God. I am sitting beside Lauren as
I type this. She has to wait for 4 hours in her room after the
procedure. She is driving us crazy asking questions about when she
can get up, eat, walk around, leave. It now looks like she will be
leaving tomorrow. There is a remote possibility that she can leave
today, but given the length of time the beaurocracy takes to get
through things, it will probably be tomorrow.

I know there will still be a bit of settling before we get back to
normal, but at least we can start to plan our lives again.
I think I need to travel a few times in the next few weeks, but the
thing I am most looking forward to is our week holiday in Boambee bay.
It will be great just to veg out for a week. Hopefully, we will get
a chance to really relax.

Reflection on Miracles

Lauren's heart attack has prompted me to reflect on my attitude to miracles.  Being of 'an intellectual/rational bent' I tend to be quite sceptical of miracles.  Even though I believe in God, I have never really expected god to intervene in my life to make it more comfortable.  Generally my prayer does not take the form of requests but rather an attempt to sense my oneness with God.  I think this has been the case long before I ever heard of the term non-dualism (I can't get comfortable with that term).
While Lauren was unconscious and we feared for her life or worse, her mental capacity, my prayer tended to be sending my loving energy to help heal her brain.  However, as you would expect, many in my family and our network of friends were praying specifically for her recovery.  There were Masses said all over the world, novenas offered to Mary, prayers to dead relatives to intervene with God on her behalf, visits to Marian shrines, insertion of Miraculous medals in her bed and many other forms of prayer that I personally (intellectually) feel uncomfortable with.
I have since discovered what I luckily didn't realise at the time, that where someone's heart has stopped and there has been more than 10 minutes before defibrulation, the chances of making any sort of recovery are only one in fifty.  The majority of those who do survive have some form of brain damage.  Lauren's initial heart scan suggested that she had suffered serious damage to her heart.  Her EEG scan of the brain suggested that she had moderate to severe brain damage.  Yet her heart is now totally free from damage and although they haven't bothered with another EEG, it is clear that there is no damage to her brain.  She has full cognition and doesn't seem to have any neurological damage whatsoever.    Once she has regathered her strength, she should make a complete recovery.  
It is hard to go past calling this a miracle.  Some in my family have actually suggested that there might be sufficient evidence to submit it as a miracle in the case for the canonisation of Mary McKillop (an Australian saint).  My intellectual and rational brain is puzzled.  Luckily, I am also able to thank God and take pleasure in the time that I am now able to have with Lauren.

My recovery from Lauren's trauma

I am finding it very difficult trying to get back in to work.  I guess it is largely because we are not really back in a routine as yet.  I welcome the opportunity to come to work because I need a change from the hospital and rushing briefly home but I am finding it almost impossible to focus on anything at work.  I have done some stuff, but anything complex seems to be totally beyond my abilities at the moment.  I think it won't be until we are back into a routine that I will really be able to handle coming to work.  

We are planning to have a chinese takeaway with Lauren at the hospital tonight to celebrate my birthday.   That will be good.  I can't really say that I am looking forward to the weekend though.  Weekends feel just like week days except that we are making no progress towards getting home.  I am not sure what the long weekend will bring.

Lauren has the defibrulator now.

Lauren had a defibrulator implanted on Wednesday and is now recovering well.  She will probably be coming home on Wednesday.  Then we can try to start getting some routine back in our lives.

I was driving Adam to school when the call arrived. He had to be there by 7:00am for his diocesan cross country run. Donna called, sounding hysterical but saying “Something terrible has happened to Lauren but don’t let Adam know”. I had just pulled up so it wasn’t hard to stay calm for a second and wish him luck. At first, I thought Donna must have been overreacting. However, it was obvious that something serious was wrong, so I started the drive back home. I called Donna back but Rochelle answered the phone in confusion. I could hear Donna talking in the background, but I couldn’t really understand what she was saying. She said she would call me in a minute. The two or three minutes before she called back seemed like forever. The first thing Donna said was “I think she’s dead, the ambulance is here”. I nearly had an accident trying to get to the side of the road. I was supposed to be running a training workshop that day, so I had to call someone to either run it or cancel it. Once I had made that call, I seemed to get every red light coming home. At each light I checked that it was safe to cross and then crossed regardless. I am sure that I went through at least 6 sets of red lights between Old Windsor Road and home.

My heart nearly stopped as I turned into our street and saw two ambulances outside our house. They were taking Lauren out to the Ambulance as I pulled up. Naturally, Donna wanted to ride in the ambulance, but they said no, as they needed all the room they had to keep working on her.

As we drove to the hospital, Donna explained how she had gone back to bed after seeing Adam off. She rarely does this, and it almost certainly helped to save Lauren’s life. At 6:50am Donna heard a noise like the dog being sick. She got up to stop him from vomiting on the carpet and realised that it was Lauren not Scrappy who was making the choking sounds. Donna screamed for Karl to call the ambulance. Karl did that and then when they asked about CPR he clicked into action and started administering it to Lauren. He thought she stopped breathing and they called the ambulance again. The ambulance arrived at 7:02 and her heart was not beating. They had to administer shock to her four times to get her heart started and according to their records, she didn’t have a regular rhythm until 7:16.

When we arrived at Emergency, only a minute or two behind the ambulance, Lauren was already surrounded by about 8 people all doing different things with her. Although they welcomed us to stay, it seemed that wherever we stood we were in the way. The ambulance paramedic (Erica) came to us and told us how great Karl was and made the point that whatever happened, Karl had given her all the chance she had. Karl wasn’t there at the time but it was so good for us to hear that. It was only then that I realised how hard that must have been for Karl. Later that day, the Cardio Professor from Westmead who saw Lauren made the same point to Karl directly. I could see a huge burden being lifted from Karl as he said that and I was so glad that Karl had heard it directly from the professor.

The first thing we were told was that Lauren was being transferred to Westmead but soon after we discovered what would continue to be the case for almost a week. Plans change by the minute in ICU. Apparently there were no beds available at Westmead so they were moving her downstairs to Blacktown ICU. They assured us that this was good as she would get just as good care at Blacktown as she would at Westmead. Naturally, we were sceptical and anxious, but as we were powerless, we just followed along.

We were all taken into a conference room where a doctor - there may have been others there as well, it was all a bit of a blur to me except the person speaking – explained that they had been in touch with Westmead ICU and discussed their plans and they were in agreement. Clearly this is an issue for many people as they went to great pains to reassure us that they were working with Westmead. The doctor explained that Lauren had potentially had no oxygen to her brain for at least 25 minutes and that it didn’t look good. Although they gave us a glimmer of hope, they made it clear that the worst was more likely. The doctor (Krish) explained this technique of lowering the body temperature of hypoxic injury patients for up to 24 hours. We were in such a daze, that although we understood what he was saying, we were not capable of challenging it. They asked us to go and get lunch – we were shocked to find that it was already lunchtime – while they got Lauren organised.

After what seemed like hours, we were taken into a room and there was Lauren with tubes hanging out every orifice on her body, unconscious and packed in ice. I mean this literally, There were bags of ice under her arm pits, in her groin and all along her body. It took about 5 hours for her body temperature to drop to their goal of 33o. She wasn’t shivering because she was being fed a paralysing drug and a sedative through the tubes in her chest. At one stage I counted 11 different drugs being pumped into her at the one time.

Lauren remained packed in ice until about 9am the next morning. At that time they took the ice away, but they did nothing more to warm her, as it was important that this happen slowly. They continued to keep Lauren under paralysis during this time to avoid her shivering. Shivering would raise her body temperature too fast. It took almost as long to warm her body as it did to cool it and it was probably about 2pm before she was back to a normal temperature.

Lauren was connected to a monitor which measured her body temperature, pulse, blood pressure, oxygen saturation and breathing. It was fascinating to see the balance. She started to develop a fever and then her blood pressure went up. They introduced a different sedative which also helped to lower her blood pressure. It became a balancing act to keep all these measures at their right level.

During all this time, Lauren had one to one nursing and we wouldn’t have made it through that time without the support of these wonderful nurses. There was ‘Kiwi Sandy’ who was the most gentle and lovely person. She has a daughter with Downs Syndrome, so we discussed the trials of early intervention and Downs. ‘Red headed Sandy’ who was a neat freak and set about cleaning up the room when she started her shift. She was always looking for ways to make things better and all the other nurses called her a philosopher. I had some enjoyable conversations with her, but didn’t really get into philosophy. Another nurse that we had was Danielle. She was a real ‘no nonsense’ nurse but with a heart of gold. When Lauren had been in hospital for a week, Krish tried to get Lauren breathing on her own so that they could avoid the trachie and Danielle was on shift. She worked so hard through her shift trying to get Lauren to breathe on her own enough to avoid the trachie. When Lauren couldn’t keep her lungs clear of phlegm and we had to tube her again, Danielle was struggling to hold back her tears. I guess she had a good idea of what Lauren would go through with a trachie and wanted to avoid it.

On about day 5, they eliminated all sedation except for Propofol. This is a sedative that has a very quick effect and also comes out of the bloodstream very quickly. This allowed them to turn off the sedation and very soon afterwards try to guage what sort of reaction they were getting. We had a couple of signs of squeezing our hands but nothing too conclusive. The doctors had been sending us out of the room and doing this regularly but were not getting good results and one night, a registrar, PK asked us to stay while he tried this. Instead of asking Lauren to squeeze his hand, he asked Donna to ask. Lauren squeezed her hand. She also followed several other instructions. This was our first sign that Lauren might make a good recovery.

The next day, during a period when the sedation had been turned off, Lauren squeezed both Donna’s and my hands and then reached out her arm towards Donna. She was also making eye contact – or so it seemed to us anyway. The signs we were getting were definitely positive, but then we got a devastating blow in the form of an EEG (brain scan) which indicated that Lauren had suffered ‘severe to moderate’ brain damage. The specialist did add that what we were seeing in her responses seemed to contradict that. Throughout the next couple of days we continued to see evidence that she had some brain function, but she was very groggy so it was difficult to get more than a squeezed hand and a wriggled toe.

On the Monday 10 days after Lauren had been admitted, she had the dreaded tracheostomy. This was a tube inserted in a hole in her throat that helped the nurses gain access to her lungs to clear them out. Once the trachie was in, they were able to stop sedation and within 24 hours we were seeing lots of signs of good brain function. She started trying to write, and communicate with us in other ways. On the Wednesday morning, the nurses decided she was well enough to go outside, so they packed her up and moved her outside for a while. It was at this time that she really started to show positive signs. She asked us questions like “What hospital am I in?” “When can I go home?”, “When can I get this thing out of my neck?” and many more. Her fine motor skills had really deteriorated and it was very difficult to read what she wrote. Each sentence tended to start off reasonably legibly but as it continued it got worse and worse until it was totally illegible. This mostly happened when she had written “Can I please have a …”. No matter how hard we tried, we never seemed to be able to read the important bit. I guess it is testament to her determination, that she never took a short cut. She always wrote full sentences. Of course, now, she has progressed from a whiteboard marker to a pen and her writing (though still messy) is far more legible. She is writing constantly.

Update 1/1/2005. Lauren recovered well from her operation. She had a defibrillator implanted and left hospital on 17th June, in time for her birthday. Lauren had a small roadblock when she went back to hospital to have her defibrillator checked and found that the lead had moved and wasn't working effectively. She had to go back under general anaesthetic to have it reseated. Lauren went back to school in early August and started swimming at the end of September.

She is continuing to improve, and despite all the problems this year she still managed to achieve satisfactory results in her School Certificate exams.

Lauren's operation

Donna just called me with the great news that they are looking at
putting the defibrulator in on Wednesday. The Angiogram and EPS are
scheduled for tomorrow and assuming all is okay, they will put it in
on Wednesday. This is great news as it may mean that Lauren can come
home early next week. I guess this means I am likely to be off work
both tomorrow and Wednesday, but it will be great to have this out of
the way.

Another test.

I have just discovered that blogger now allows me to post to my blog
using email. I suppose the main time that I will use that is when I
have my laptop but I am away from the net. I think that will be good
because I would often like to post when I am on the train and unless I
write it in a Word document and paste it, I can't do anything.

Although we have started the readjustment process, there is still a long way to go. Donna and I both spent most of the weekend at the hospital. However, we managed to get a break when we went in to the city to watch Karl performing in "A Touch of Broadway". This was done by his musical society from the Uni. We had a dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant before hand and even managed to win the raffle. It was a wonderful break. Therese stayed with Lauren while we went there.

Both Donna and I are back at work today. The grandparents are taking turns to look after her during the day. The worst of that is that the specialists come during the day and we have to rely on the questions that they ask. Tomorrow both of us will be there while the Angiagram and other tests are performed. Hopefully we will get a chance to speak to the Heart Specialist while we are there tomorrow.

Readjusting to work/life after three weeks of hospital is far more difficult than I expected. This is my third day back in the office. I am still spending a lot of time explaining to people what happened. I am struggling to focus enough to concentrate. Hopefully, that will improve very soon as I catch up on my sleep. Because there is still some uncertainty about when I will be off in the next week or so, it is difficult to plan. Also, I find my focus drifting to Lauren and the hospital several times a day.

It is difficult not to get annoyed at the people, who don't want to know anything except the brief "She is going to be alright" I guess they find it to distressing to consider what she has been through and still has to endure.

I can't believe it is now over a month since my last entry (26/4/04). I am working on an account of Lauren's trauma which I may insert in date order but I am not ready to publish it yet.

Lauren is now in Westmead and recovering her strength while she waits for the tests and for the defibrulator operation that she needs.

Last night was the first night since Lauren's heart attack when I have slept at home and hopefully, Donna will be doing tonight. This is my second day back in the office, but I am not really handling a standard load. The other guys in my team have been fantastic.