I have just finished reading Jane Fonda’s autobiography
My Life so far. I am finding it hard to remember what my impressions of her were before I read the book I have seen some of her movies, but I don’t think I ever really gave her much thought. I had heard her speaking on the radio (Life Matters) about her book and found what she had to say sufficiently intriguing to buy the book (not something I do very often).
Once I started reading it I could barely put it down. I finished it in just over a week. One of the reviewers had said that it is more a journey than a story, and I think that is a good summary of it.
Interestingly, I found that I was very able to relate to her and it seemed like many of her issues resonated with me. If you read it you would find that amusing, because one of her kids described her as a chameleon, changing her colours to suit the man she was with. I hadn’t thought much of this, but I certainly find that when I read a story, or an essay I get so involved with the author’s thinking that it is very difficult for me to separate their opinions from my own. I am really struggling as I read this to remember a single book where I felt it difficult to relate to the narrator. Possibly, this could be that I don’t choose or continue to read books that mismatch. I have read a couple of Hannibal Lecter books so surely I didn’t relate well to him, but still I must have been able to empathise at some level
One of the ways that I particularly felt an affinity with her was that I find it very difficult to assert myself and my own needs around Donna (and the kids). I find that I don’t even bother trying to set an agenda for our lives and just go along with the flow. This isn’t totally true, because I do sometimes choose something different, but it seems pretty rare to me. Donna tells me that I am too self absorbed. My own feeling is that even if I am, I tend to be self forgetting and don’t look after myself enough. I wouldn’t say that I am selfless, but rather that I have always seen my needs as less important than others. This is at one level. However, at another I think I recognise that I am entitled to look after myself, but rather than do something about it, I am just resentful of the people who seem to take first claim on my time. Unfortunately this can often mean that I shutdown. Effectively this means that while I am not making myself available to others, I am also not doing anything useful or comforting for myself. Seems very passive aggressive.
It feels as though this condition is effectively paralysing me. I am not sure how to break out of it. It seems that breaking out of this pattern requires a more radical change than I am willing to undertake. However, it is driving me crazy.
The other (and perhaps related) issue that the book brought out for me is the burning desire/feeling that I have been placed on earth for a very specific purpose and that I am doing almost nothing to bring it about. If I look back I can score myself well on my life so far, but it doesn't feel as though I created it. More than anything I think I have persisted and haven't walked away from my responsibilities. But, as I mentioned above, this hasn't always been active.
I will continue to think (about this and perhaps comment here).
